Monday, June 11, 2012

things that i regret

- not continuing with intellectual pursuits. i'm not 100% sure when and why i lost all motivation to try at school, but i would have been about 16 when i dropped the ball completely. i suppose at some point i realised that i was smart, but not all that smart, not anything special. and at that point i just couldn't really be bothered anymore. that and i'm pathologically lazy and unmotivated. it makes me sad to think, if i did so well in school without lifting a finger, imagine what potential i could have had if i'd just bothered to stretch myself a little further.

- loving people who didn't love me. in retrospect so many of my dealings with males have been a complete waste of time. i wish i hadn't spent so much of my life pining over other people instead of moving on. even for someone with such little self-worth i should have known i deserved better than what i had been given, and had a bit more self-respect.
- being painfully shy during childhood. i'm still a bit shy - i can't talk in front of a class without going red and falling over my words a bit, and i'm a bit quiet around people who intimidate me. but the 12 or 13 year old me would balk at the things i am capable of doing now. i wish i had tried to get out of my comfort zone a little more in my childhood and early adolescence, then maybe i wouldn't have been so lonely and scared sometimes. it makes me sad now to think of all the things i could have done if i wasn't so socially withdrawn and terrified of being rejected.