ophelia

Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's day,
All in the morning betime,
And I a maid at your window,
To be your Valentine.
Then up he rose and donn'd his clo'es
And dupp'd the chamber door,
Let in the maid, that out a maid
Never departed more.

By Gis and by Saint Charity,
Alack, and fie for shame!
Young men will do't if they come to't
By Cock, they are to blame.
Quoth she, 'Before you tumbled me,
You promis'd me to wed.'

'So would I 'a' done, by yonder sun,
An thou hadst not come to my bed.'

does life seem worthwhile to you?

ay me. will to try, fading....

14/7

“it’s all like a dream. everything is ecstasy, inside. we just don’t know it because of our thinking-minds. but in our true blissful essence of mind is known that everything is alright forever and forever and forever. close your eyes, let your hands and nerve-ends drop, stop breathing for 3 seconds, listen to the silence inside the illusion of the world, and you will remember the lesson you forgot, which was taught in immense milky way soft cloud innumerable worlds long ago and not even at all. it is all one vast awakened thing. i call it the golden eternity. it is perfect. we were never really born, we will never really die. it has nothing to do with the imaginary idea of a personal self, other selves, many selves everywhere: self is only an idea, a mortal idea. that which passes into everything is one thing. it’s a dream already ended. there’s nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be glad about. i know this from staring at mountains months on end. they never show any expression, they are like empty space. do you think the emptiness of space will ever crumble away? mountains will crumble, but the emptiness of space, which is the one universal essence of mind, the vast awakenerhood, empty and awake, will never crumble away because it was never born.”

—	jack kerouac

my doom smiles at me

i love you. and i've been listening to way too much patsy cline lately, never a good combination.

things i loved, but did not love enough

"from the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. one fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was ee gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was europe and africa and south america, and another fig was constantin and socrates and attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs i couldn't quite make out.

i saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because i couldn't make up my mind which of the figs i would choose. i wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and as i sat there unable to decide the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

- the bell jar, sylvia plath

bringing it all back home

sorry to the anon for whom i answered those questions and then deleted them, i decided that it's probably not a good idea to air such deeply private matters on a such a public forum that some people i know can see. that two-odd weeks in which i had the link to this blog up on facebook, and then wisely decided to take it down have certainly made blogging that much more interesting...

but yeah maybe i'll stick to just anonymous privacy-invading formsprings instead of devoting a whole post to my weird personal life. get on it!

anyway as a follow-up to that stuff i deleted, everything is still ambiguous. oh, life.

dear boys,

please decide if you like me, or if you do not like me. perform the necessary actions to indicate which of the prior feelings is relevant. stop being weird. (probably a bit optimistic.)

sincerely, alex.

also, on thursday night a combination of no food/being a bit drunk/being a lot stoned/standing up too fast caused me to faint in the middle of a crowded bar, smack my head on the tiles and get a mild concussion. fun fun fun. just thought i'd share, because that's the most interesting thing that has happened to me this week.

the best friends i have had

1. my first best friend, since kindergarten i think. however while we sat together in class/i liked to braid her hair and stuff, i was a very antisocial child and i chose to wander around alone during lunchtime, making up stories instead of spending time with the other children. we drifted after i left melbourne for a year in year three. by the time we were in the same class again in year 6, we were completely different people. we both ended up moving to different schools and i haven't seen her in years.

2. she was my best friend when i moved to new south wales for a year. we used to bond over playing pokemon gold, and sometimes i would go to her house and we would play perfect dark on nintendo 64. however i lost a little respect for her when i found out she supported john howard (yes i had already been indoctrinated into my parents' socially liberal political agenda by the age of 7). then i moved back to melbourne at the end of the year. there was talk of her moving to melbourne later on as well, but she never did. she added me on facebook a while ago, it's funny seeing people you only knew as children all grown up, and i suppose she feels the same was about me.

3. i befriended her in year 5, she has such a warmth and frenetic energy that attracted me and she used to be a bit of a social butterfly. however over time she clung to me more and more strongly, and at the end of year 6 my parents asked the school to put us in different classes for year 7 so we could make different friends. we ended up hanging out in a big group with some of my friends the next year, and then i moved schools. we still remain close friends but now a struggles to make friends where i don't anymore, almost a role reversal of what we used to be. i see her quite often. she can still be a bit clingy but mostly i love to spend time with her.

4. i made friends with her at the start of year 11. by that stage i had lost all my friends from the previous two years, and we became known as a single entity, neither of us really had any other friends so we stuck together. we had so many wonderful times together that i look back upon fondly, but by the end of year 12 i was struggling for independence while she was struggling to keep us together. this year we are in different countries, and i started university while she can't until next year. she was very upset when i told her i wasn't taking a gap year. but i like the friends i have made this year, and i like being my own person for a change. i still love her a lot i guess. i'll see what happens when she gets back.