i'm a lot happier now. i feel secure with, and love, my friends - they are all wonderful and i hope i'll always be blessed enough to associate myself with them. i have let go of the past, finally, and while in some senses i look back with bitterness i know i am above all that now. i eat less junk food (although i can't attest to perfection). i have started running again, and the sense of freedom and perseverance and strength and accomplishment that comes with it has finally returned to me. i'm reading books again, and enjoying them. i still smoke, but we all have our vices and i get a lot of pleasure out of it for now. somebody loves me, unconditionally, and i love them the same. and it's not tinged with mediocrity or cynicism like most of the relationships around us: it is completely pure, maybe a little naive, but still grounded in determination to be together forever. the kind of love where we talked about marriage and growing old together after three months, stuff that sounds completely silly and in-the-moment and frivolous but was, and is, wholly believed by both of us. and we are both just deliriously happy together. my best friend told me, that she had never believed in love until us. anyway enough of that stuff
"those were vile people in both those cities, as is well known. the world was better off without them.
happiness has found me at last, i don't know how, i don't know what i did to deserve it. but in the past three months of my life i have heard things i never thought i would hear from another person ever. and i have passed the initial utter delirium of the process of falling in love and it's not the same but it still feels wonderful, safe. all i want is for everyone to be as happy as i feel now. i never would have thought i'd be loved, not in a million years.
"what did my fingers do before they held him?
what did my heart do, with its love?
i have never seen a thing so clear.
his lids are like the lilac-flower
and soft as a moth, his breath.
i shall not let go.
there is no guile or warp in him. may he keep so."
"and i guess you're proof that when you finally let go of the past, something better comes along."
so much has happened within the last three weeks or so... i really haven't been this happy in years. i'm so lucky to have the people in my life that i do.
