psycho

i just finished reading american psycho, a picture of dorian gray and watching mulholland drive. i think all of these things were perfect to encounter around the same period of time, they seem to intertwine somewhat and are all equally powerful and terrifying. i feel as if each of these things would have changed my life on their own, but together they are all the more depressing and disturbing, and now i just feel numb.


"... there is an idea of a patrick bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though i can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: i am simply not there. it is hard for me to make sense on any given level. myself is fabricated, an aberration. i am a noncontingent human being. my personality is sketchy and unformed, my heartlessness goes deep and is persistent. my conscience, my pity, my hopes disappeared a long time ago if they ever did exist. there are no more barriers to cross. all i have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem i have caused and my utter indifference toward it, i have now surpassed. i still, though, hold onto one single bleak truth: noone is safe, nothing is redeemed. yet i am blameless. each model of human behaviour must be assumed to have some validity. is evil something you are? or is it something you do?"
- from american psycho by bret easton ellis, probably the most shocking and traumatizing and amazing book i have ever read in my life.