other voices, other rooms

in recent times i have come to suspect that i probably give away too much of myself to others, because i don't know how else to make people like me. others often tell me that i come off as somewhat enigmatic initially, but the facade is soon ruined because i tell them things about myself that i probably ought to keep secret. i don't really know why.

one of my closest friends told me recently that i am really, brutally honest, if not about others then about myself. which surprised me because i never considered myself an honest person at all, but i suppose it's true. i don't really have any problem telling people i barely know all about my personal failings, about how i feel trapped by my own social ineptitude; how i have few friends and encounter difficulty making them because of my shyness. a few months ago i would have cheerfully told people that i had never had a boyfriend, and anticipated dying alone except for 30 cats. maybe i subconsciously want them to pity me, or offer solutions, or reassure me that i'm really not all that strange.

wow, most intense post i've written in a while. it sounds like i'm all mope-y and sad but i'm really not at all. i struggle to think of a time when i was happier (omitting those nice years before life became complicated, of course). everything and everyone is beautiful. even though my life is going to change in a huge way very soon, i think i'm ready.

____________________

with your silhouette as the sunlight dims

into your eyes, where the moonlight swims