letters to unnamed people

dear unnamed person,

i was sort of semi-convinced i am finally over you, but i still stalk your facebook more than is healthy. i hope you stay out of my life for just a little bit longer because i know the next time i interact with you in real life i will become hopelessly obsessed again.

yours truly, alex

dear unnamed person,

i'm flattered that you like me (at least i think you do), and i quite like you, but i don't know if i am that attracted to you after all. i don't know whether i want to feel secure for the first time in my life, but feel ambivalent about you, or whether to remain alone.

all the best, alex

dear unnamed person,

i may be mildly infatuated with you. why do you have to have a girlfriend, for fuck's sake?

yours, alex

dear unnamed person,

i love you, i really do. but sometimes little things annoy me, and i don't know what to do because i know i actually couldn't survive without you, but i can't survive without a bit of space either. i don't know why i feel this way all of a sudden.

regards, alex

dear unnamed person,

i think you're really cool and i know i don't have any clue how to make friends and i'm kind of a total loser, but i would like to be your friend, if that's okay.

sincerely, alex_

accurate

lost in space

“everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. the best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.” - daniel handler

"choking with dry tears and raging, raging, raging at the absolute indifference of nature and the world to the death of love, the death of hope and the death of beauty, i remember sitting on the end of my bed, collecting these pills and capsules together and wondering why, why when i felt i had so much to offer, so much love, such outpourings of love and energy to spend on the world, i was incapable of being offered love, giving it or summoning the energy with which i knew i could transform myself and everything around me." - stephen fry

"i'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. just like the cheshire cat, someday i will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. i am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. when you look at the picture again, i want to assure you, i will no longer be there. i will be erased from history, like a traitor in the soviet union. because with every day that goes by, i feel myself becoming more and more invisible." - elizabeth wurtzel

blank

fitter, happier, more productive, comfortable, not drinking too much, regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week), getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries, at ease, eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats), a patient better driver, a safer car (baby smiling in back seat), sleeping well (no bad dreams), no paranoia, careful to all animals (never washing spiders down the plughole), keep in contact with old friends (enjoy a drink now and then), will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in the wall), favors for favors, fond but not in love, charity standing orders, on sundays ring road supermarket (no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants), car wash (also on Sundays), no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows, nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate, nothing so childish - at a better pace, slower and more calculated, no chance of escape, now self-employed, concerned (but powerless), an empowered and informed member of society (pragmatism not idealism), will not cry in public, less chance of illness, tires that grip in the wet (shot of baby strapped in back seat), a good memory, still cries at a good film, still kisses with saliva, no longer empty and frantic like a cat tied to a stick, that's driven into frozen winter shit (the ability to laugh at weakness), calm, fitter, healthier and more productive, a pig in a cage on antibiotics.

- fitter, happier by radiohead

one day i will learn how to dance like this

favourite painting + favourite quote

transfiguration by raphael

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"he who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. and when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."

- nietzsche
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what do you think i'd see

i have come to the realisation that my life is actually driven not by the present, but by the promise of the future. i can't get through the day without fantasizing about school being over, because my dream is transformation. all i can do is hope that the moment i leave school, i will cease to be a complete loser by proxy, and become the future me that i daydream about. it's strange, i don't know if it's quite normal to agonize about the prospect of becoming a different person by a dramatic change in circumstances, but it's what i live for, leaving behind the person i am now.

_________________