dumb things that i say

"i'm not a socialist, i love buying stuff"

"man, your house is, like, carb-fest"

"i am soooooo sober"

"i forgot how to do long division"

always

ready or not

i can't articulate my feelings about today. i had two separate, both fairly bleak discussions about my views on my life. and one of them was with someone i haven't spoken to properly in ages and it felt beautiful and just like old times, and made me a little sad that he will never be anything more than a friend ever again.

i want to change my life so that i don't feel quite so depressed about it all the time, but i don't know how. i'm not as bad as i used to be, but a lot of things still go wrong for me almost always these days. (and people always tell me that you get what you give, but i try so hard for things, and put in so much effort, and they never work out.)

oh and to 'a friend', i am almost certain i know who you are. and i'm sorry, i was feeling bitter and frustrated and disappointed with everyone. and listening to "why'd ya do it" by marianne faithfull.

i'm sorry my blog is so boring i will try and think of more things to put on it that isn't moodiness or music that i like.

wasted hours

i'm a sucker for nostalgia. i can't explain it or even express it coherently, but everywhere i have ever been and everything i have ever done, i look back on and miss intensely. places where i used to go on holiday, my old school/s, parties i got drunk and silly at, people i used to talk to. i miss my mum and dad working at the age. i miss playing the cello. i miss new york. i miss living in kiama. i don't know what it is, maybe i long for a simpler time - as if every passing second makes life more and more complicated. i can look to the future now, without feeling so scared, but i still look back all the time, and ache for everything i can never return to.

the past month, bulleted (word to your moms)

• $3 white wine, apple cider, vodka and cranberry, but now mainly $3 white wine because i can't afford anything else anymore
• on that note, getting down to my last $20
• "remember that time when alex got drunk and...... oh wait, alex is ALWAYS drunk!" - one of my friends. well i can't argue with that.
• jump around - house of pain
• the toff in town
• befriending the british bouncer at the toff in town
• three day eurovision-viewing bender
• too many packs of peter stuyvesants
• 4th chamber - gza/genius (feat ghostface killah, rza, killah priest)
• wearing ridiculous clothes everywhere ie this -

• never going to uni
• writing essays the night they are due
• sleeping on other people's floors
• being stared down by pedestrians when i walk to the tram stop the next morning in the above ridiculous clothes and wearing dark glasses
• backstage work for a wonderful play
• eyes be closed - washed out

hello

five things you will find if you open my bag:

1. ipod (if nothing else. i am basically surgically attached)
2. wallet
3. iphone

4. cigarettes & lighter 

5. mints



five things in my bedroom:

1. pictures of everyone i love (edie, marianne, syd, brigitte etc.)
2. 
a pair of 1970s kirk and spock figurines
3. record player & records
4. various old cameras (most of them non-functional)
5. diaries ranging from when i was 7 or 8 to the present day

five things i want to do in my life:

1. learn to play the guitar
2. be photographed by terry richardson
3. be in an american apparel ad
4. figure out what my special talent is (there must be something i'm good at)
5. live in new york city

five things that make me very happy:

1. listening to music on long solitary walks
2. drunk texting/receiving drunk texts
3. reading passages of books which powerfully resonate with me
4. watching episodes of 30 rock and the inbetweeners with a cup of tea
5. feeling loved and accepted for who i am

five things i’m currently into:

1. a certain boy
2. illmatic by nas
3. messing around with virtual dj
4. white lacey items of clothing
5. pearl earrings i stole from my sister

five things on my to-do list: 

1. save some money for once
2. finish all the books i have piled up
3. write one of the three essays due in the next month
4. get my hair re-dyed (my regrowth is atrocious)
5. remove the pile of clothing from my bedroom floor

five things some people may or may not know about you:

1. i hate introducing one of my closest friends to other people because she is so nice and interesting that they end up liking her more than me
2. i used to pray to god every night when i was little, because i was afraid that my friends and family would get hurt or die if i didn’t
3. i think i might believe in god again and this concept terrifies me
4. sometimes i worry that i am a genuinely awful person, that i have no conscience and i don’t care about anyone but myself
5. when i was 13 i learned something about my dad that could break up our family, but i’ve never told my parents because i don’t want that to happen

currently listening to:

it ain't hard to tell - nas

electric relaxation - a tribe called quest

dance to the music - sly & the family stone

hello - martin solveig

first we take manhattan

oh yeah, that stuff that i said about being happy? ehhh not so much, now that i am sick AGAIN. just having so much fun. now i have conjunctivitis, and since i coughed up blood this morning, either a throat infection or lung cancer. it's pretty neato.

on the bright side, my splendour in the grass fundraising is going pretty well lately, i'm selling about half of my clothes and i've made almost $100 already. just need this conjunctivitis to heal up so i can go to work on wednesday and thursday, make another $200 and then i'm pretty much set (may need to be indebted to parents though, great...)