the past month, bulleted (word to your moms)

• $3 white wine, apple cider, vodka and cranberry, but now mainly $3 white wine because i can't afford anything else anymore
• on that note, getting down to my last $20
• "remember that time when alex got drunk and...... oh wait, alex is ALWAYS drunk!" - one of my friends. well i can't argue with that.
• jump around - house of pain
• the toff in town
• befriending the british bouncer at the toff in town
• three day eurovision-viewing bender
• too many packs of peter stuyvesants
• 4th chamber - gza/genius (feat ghostface killah, rza, killah priest)
• wearing ridiculous clothes everywhere ie this -

• never going to uni
• writing essays the night they are due
• sleeping on other people's floors
• being stared down by pedestrians when i walk to the tram stop the next morning in the above ridiculous clothes and wearing dark glasses
• backstage work for a wonderful play
• eyes be closed - washed out

first we take manhattan

oh yeah, that stuff that i said about being happy? ehhh not so much, now that i am sick AGAIN. just having so much fun. now i have conjunctivitis, and since i coughed up blood this morning, either a throat infection or lung cancer. it's pretty neato.

on the bright side, my splendour in the grass fundraising is going pretty well lately, i'm selling about half of my clothes and i've made almost $100 already. just need this conjunctivitis to heal up so i can go to work on wednesday and thursday, make another $200 and then i'm pretty much set (may need to be indebted to parents though, great...)

held the hand of satan

i deleted my tumblr the other day because i was bored of it and it ended up just being a followers-based thing which meant i never really posted what i wanted to anymore. and i don't feel that way about this blog for some reason. it's like a very heavily censored version of my diary, with pretty pictures and a lot less angst (believe it or not).

so right now all i am doing is sleeping, going out, eating, liking boys i can't have, blah blah. initially it was all so exciting but now i feel like i am slipping back into mundanity and this saddens me a little bit. but i suppose one thing that is really nice is to have friends. having people that really do like me and want to spend time with me, for the first time in the better part of four years.

"all changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - anatole france

currently listening to

true love will find you in the end - daniel johnston

transdermal celebration - ween
concrete schoolyard - jurassic 5
dance yrself clean - lcd soundsystem

if you want it

so i've been sifting through the past year or so of posts, fixing tags and stuff, because i'm bored. and in the last few months, a bunch of comments have popped up from anonymous posters saying nice things. alarmingly, although not surprisingly, a number of these seem to come from people who know/know of me in real life. reveal yourselves, kindly anons!

also here are some nice photos from a disposable camera i just got developed, it's a strange "fortune cookie camera" i bought from urban outfitters that prints one's fortune at the bottom of the photo. these are photos of me from a night which wound up being really quite awful and distressing, and the morning after. but at least the pictures came up nice.







currently listening to:
homecoming - the teenagers
i hate rock'n'roll - the jesus & mary chain
peter gunn vs. where's your head at - 2 many dj's
sometimes - my bloody valentine

all the time we wasted, i'd only waste it again

i love when first impressions turn out to be wrong and people are actually lovely, when the most dubious fake ids in the world inexplicably work, when you see friends you haven't encountered in years, when people call you beautiful, when you feel a little bit hopeful, for the first time in what seems like forever.

february playlist
1. rill rill - sleigh bells
2. party and bullshit (ratatat remix) - notorious b.i.g.
3. gen-n-e-y - m.i.a.
4. roman's revenge (ft. lil' wayne) - nicki minaj
5. enter the ninja - die antwoord
6. coconut bible - yuck
7. block after block - matt & kim
8. not in love (ft. robert smith) - crystal castles
9. no fun vs. push it - 2 many djs
10. the suburbs (continued) - arcade fire

higher than the sun

things i have learned so far this year:
- people are actually really, genuinely nice outside in the real world (as opposed to school)
- nightclubs are not for me, they are too noisy to talk to/bond with people
- as a rule i tend to have the best nights with people i have never met before when i am blind drunk
- full-time retail work is incredibly soul-crushing (although i am piss weak when it comes to doing any form of hard work)
- my infamously awful fake id which says i am 20 years old and looks nothing like me genuinely works (except for that one guy at federation square 7-eleven who refuses to sell me cigarettes)
- a break-up is the most depressingly awful thing i have ever experienced in my life so far
- DO NOT say 'i love you too' unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure that they actually said 'i love you'
- the morning after pill is one of the most awkward items anyone could ever have the misfortune to need to purchase

recent developments:
- classes have started
- gay guys really like me (i am known in some circles as 'queen of the gays')
- i may have a bit of a crush on a certain pipe-smoking hipster with whom i attend melbourne uni, guess who xoxo

wasted and i can't find my way home

back from two weeks in new york, it was beautiful. i went to lots of art galleries, wandered around fifth avenue, caught the train to chelsea and soho, ate huge breakfasts at a cute little diner called the astro, bought too many clothes, and too many books, and got caught in one of the worst snowstorms in new york's history. it was nice but it's good to be home again.

nyc playlist

can i kick it? - a tribe called quest
airplanes - local natives
sweatmother - tobacco
red lights - holy fuck
personality crisis - new york dolls
i can't stand it - the velvet underground
difficult - uffie
loaded - primal scream
andy's chest - lou reed

beatniks are out to make it rich

i've got my last two exams conveniently scheduled on the same day - next monday. so far i have been spending my final studying period doing the following:

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- drinking tea

- facebook

- going on tumblr

- making myself french toast

- making myself fairy bread

- going for long walks in the sunshine

- browsing various opshops

- not studying

yeeah, need to do something about my motivation levels. especially considering that these are my two most difficult subjects and i got a c+ and b+ on my philosophy and media practice exams, respectively. so i'm taking a leave of absence from this blog until the 15th of november. all things aside from exams, life is good.

currently listening to:

ride a white swan - t. rex

shimmy shimmy ya - ol' dirty bastard

try a little tenderness - otis redding

buffalo stance - neneh cherry

time has come today

it's the night before my first year 12 exam. i probably ought to be panicking right now, because while i tend to do quite well in english without making much of an effort, i am really a bit underprepared for this. and since it's late there isn't much i can do right now but hope for the best. at the moment i'm just waiting for the terror of this to hit me.

but the plus side is, in exactly 18 days i will be free from school. and then:
* schoolies
* blondie/the pretenders on december 1
* girls on december 10
* christmas in new york
* summer
* whole life being ahead of me etc.

ps. this song is PHENOMENAL.

graduation

officially graduated from school today. it's a bizarre feeling and i don't think it's quite sunk in yet, possibly the reason why i didn't cry at all, or feel any urge to do so. of course there are still exams, but the bottom line is that today was the one of the last times the entire year 12 cohort will be together and it's so strange to think that i might never see most of these people ever again by the end of the year. i generally don't cope well at all with change but i hope that leaving school and starting all over again will be a good thing for me - i just can't comprehend this concept properly at the moment.

pressure drop

so i just found out that several months ago, my mother read something which was not intended for her and subsequently learned of my occasional use of illicit substances and smoking/drinking (and thankfully not that much apart from those, luckily noone has laid hands on my diary lately to read the most recent additions). it's really quite awkward, but she has decided to accept it as a rite of passage and move on without any stern reprimands so i can be thankful for small mercies. i still have no clue what to make of this situation though.
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currently listening to:

a minha menina - os mutantes

running scared - roy orbison

the tracks of my tears - the miracles

all the young punks - the clash

within you without you

i want a white mohair jumper and assorted dresses with peter pan collars and platinum blonde hair please, not necessarily in that order. in the past few days i have become a vegetarian and started running again and done multiple things that audrey hepburn or grace kelly would never do but i've come to terms with the fact that i'm not either of them and never will be, right now elegance and ladylike propriety seem somewhat irrelevant to my life. i have not missed meat too much and am living off egg on toast and will probably become anaemic imminently, but i don't mind, it will only make my ghostly pallor more ghost-like which is one of my self-improvement goals. all i want to do is spend all day drinking tea and reading self-help books and listening to wavves and not studying.

ps i really don't get enough spam or abuse, please direct it towards http://formspring.me/goodnightladies.

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currently listening to:

green eyes - wavves

like a virgin - madonna

got to give it up - marvin gaye

light my fire - the doors

pills and soap

next year was supposed to be travel but now it turns out that i have a potential modelling contract that will start literally as soon as i finish my last exam, which is totally bizarre because i sort of forgot about modelling altogether for about two years, planned my fantasy life without it even being factored in and now of a sudden it's forced its way back into my consciousness again and i'm not sure quite what to do with it. the consensus is that i will not be hired for runway because at 5'8" i am far too short, but they think i will pick up quite a bit of photographic work. i don't know whether it will be particularly lucrative but since this agency is still interested even though i'm too short and too fat i assume so, which is comforting.

it's just strange because a while after i was a finalist in this modelling competition i was resigned to living a normal life, and now i don't know if it will be normal at all and i'm not sure if i like this idea or not. i could go to sydney and then hong kong and then maybe other places if i'm any good, but i don't know how to fit in all those other things that had always been a given, like university. i suppose i'll have to go back to my previous future-dream of becoming very famous, appearing in a series of arthouse films, stealing elvis costello from diana krall, being briefly married to morrissey, partying for several years and then dying tragically of a cocaine overdose at the age of 28. i'd better get started, only 11 years to go until deadline. (pun not intended)

in an unrelated matter, two posts ago it was my two-hundreth post. weird, i've never stuck with any creative endeavour for as long as i have this blog.

currently listening to:
i've gotta get a message to you - the bee gees
something in the way - nirvana
when will you come - wavves
gloria - patti smith

i'm always dreaming and it's never for real

okay so as i found out today, apparently someone i know read a blog post that involved her long long ago (like back in the starting months of my blog) and got upset. which is just awkward. this however, is weird because i deleted that post before i made my blog public to people from my school soooo, apparently my blog was being stalked by people i know somehow even before i made my blog link available and presumably still is. heaven knows how many people are reading my blog that i don't want to. the sentiment about the blog post in question is still there i suppose but i don't really care anymore, fuck school and all these petty stupid school things that everyone gets wrapped up in, sick of all this rubbish

season of the witch

school will be the death of me, it's all reaching fever pitch now with final exams beginning in a little over a month and about a gazillion assessment tasks being thrown at me in the space of the next two weeks. i've already decided to skip a party which anyone who knows me will be aware caused me to die a little inside, but my media final desperately needs to be finished as soon as possible and i have literature and philosophy to worry about and basically i am constantly on the verge of spontaneous combustion from stress. which is really unlike me, considering i have rarely at any point in my life cared about school, but i guess it counts for something now.

however i have spent hours on the ATAR score calculator recently and have decided that as long as i do decently (A or A+) on most of my exams, i may get 94-ish which will be enough to get into arts at melbourne uni, and if i get in the mid-80s i'll still get into arts at monash which is less cool but still quite decent. and once it's all over, freedom. in two months! when did this all happen so fast, i'm not ready for the real world yet!

"i used to think i was the strangest person in the world but then i thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways i do. i would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. well, i hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true i’m here, and i’m just as strange as you."

- frida kahlo

currently listening to:

get ready - the temptations
heartbeat - annie
just - radiohead
territorial pissings - nirvana
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cherry flavoured antacids

distill the life that's inside of me
sit and drink pennyroyal tea
i'm anemic royalty
- pennyroyal tea, nirvana

i've been listening to nirvana and dinosaur jr. a lot lately, i'm not sure why. i never got into them that much originally but they both seem to fit right now.

i officially have 22 days of school left, ever. i'd like to say that this upsets me, but it really doesn't. school has been one of the most depressing and awful components of my life for a long time now, and the last few years have been a slow downward slide into a complete lack of motivation to do any work anymore. which is fortunate because i'm almost certainly going on a gap year next year, after so much of my time spent convincing my parents that it isn't, in fact, going to cause me to throw in the towel and never go to university. it's weird to think that i'm almost finally free, to an extent anyway.



currently listening to:
just like heaven (the cure cover) - dinosaur jr.
nothing but a heartache - the flirtations
back on the chain gang - the pretenders
daddy never understood - the folk implosion
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i'm sitting in jayne mansfield's car

so like, i really need to stop pinning my hopes on things, because i always get fucked over eventually. i think my problem is that i'm one of those people that needs others to like them, but has no idea how to go about being likeable. often i wish that people could just tell me what is really, fundamentally wrong with me, and then i can fix it.
i'm going to stop now because it's going down the road of all those horrible whiney posts i used to write before i made my blog public. here is a nice song instead:

l'enfer, c'est les autres

this is the most boring year of my life yet. all i do is lie at home watching the office and avoiding doing homework, i never go anywhere anymore and i am so sick of high school but it's dragging on forever. and i am utterly resigned to not doing that well at the end of the year, i have never been motivated to do well in my life and it's not going to start now because everything i do is just an endless pathetic learned-helplessness cycle

currently listening to:
don't look back in anger - oasis

back on the chain gang - the pretenders

silver soul - beach house

will you still love me tomorrow - the shirelles______________

hitchcock blonde

i brought the following photos of tippi hedren in the birds to the hairdresser:

and she appropriated it for me so i could wear it to my friend's formal:

it upsets me that i can't wear this hairstyle every day without people looking at me funny.

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let's spend the night together

really great night last night, incredibly rough morning. vowing never to drink again
(we'll see how long that lasts)

vaguely remember hijacking the sound system, and dancing by myself to the rolling stones. toooo cool.

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