surrender

i consider it one of my greatest signs of trust to allow someone to see me without makeup. outside my immediate family there is only a handful of people who have. i don't know why but putting eyeliner on so frequently for the better part of three years has made it an indelible part of my sense of identity, and i just feel so vulnerable without it. so even though i am convinced i look awful when my face is bare, it still feels nice to completely remove my mask in front of you, or at least one of them.

beatniks are out to make it rich

i've got my last two exams conveniently scheduled on the same day - next monday. so far i have been spending my final studying period doing the following:

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- drinking tea

- facebook

- going on tumblr

- making myself french toast

- making myself fairy bread

- going for long walks in the sunshine

- browsing various opshops

- not studying

yeeah, need to do something about my motivation levels. especially considering that these are my two most difficult subjects and i got a c+ and b+ on my philosophy and media practice exams, respectively. so i'm taking a leave of absence from this blog until the 15th of november. all things aside from exams, life is good.

currently listening to:

ride a white swan - t. rex

shimmy shimmy ya - ol' dirty bastard

try a little tenderness - otis redding

buffalo stance - neneh cherry

l'enfer, c'est les autres

this is the most boring year of my life yet. all i do is lie at home watching the office and avoiding doing homework, i never go anywhere anymore and i am so sick of high school but it's dragging on forever. and i am utterly resigned to not doing that well at the end of the year, i have never been motivated to do well in my life and it's not going to start now because everything i do is just an endless pathetic learned-helplessness cycle

currently listening to:
don't look back in anger - oasis

back on the chain gang - the pretenders

silver soul - beach house

will you still love me tomorrow - the shirelles______________

and again

today was a good day. i drove at 100km/h for the first time, and my dad gave me two kodak box brownies dating back to 1929 and 1946 respectively. i also made this video last night because i was really bored. i watched fight club and now this is my favourite haiku:

worker bees can leave
even drones can fly away
the queen is their slave

the times she cried, too frail to wake this time

i was bored one day so i made another video about edie sedgwick. i'm quite proud of this one, apart from the weird blank spaces which happen occasionally that mysteriously appeared upon uploading

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my love for edie sedgwick will never die

lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken

pictures that make me smile

edie sedgwick sneezing

graham chapman in and now for something completely different

audrey hepburn

john lennon + pigeon

gay rights protest at yale + evangelist

ciao! manhattan

is on youtube in its entirety. go go go and hit that shit up before it gets deleted for copyright or gratuitous nudity. kind of an awful movie but edie is mesmerising as always. i took some stillz

she was sssssssso beautiful but i guess you already know that

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julia

half of what i say is meaningless
but i say it just to reach you,
julia

julia, julia, oceanchild, calls me
so i sing a song of love, julia
julia, seashell eyes, windy smile, calls me
so i sing a song of love, julia

her hair of floating sky is shimmering, glimmering,
in the sun

julia, julia, morning moon, touch me
so i sing a song of love, julia

when i cannot sing my heart
i can only speak my mind, julia

julia, sleeping sand, silent cloud, touch me
so i sing a song of love, julia
calls me
so i sing a song of love for julia, julia, julia

figment

i did not realise until more than a month had gone by, but on october 2nd nat finkelstein, a photojournalist who took some of the warhol factory period's most iconic photos, passed away. below is an essay he wrote on his time in the factory interpersed with some of his most famous photos.

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the satellites.

they thought they were special; that was their delusion. they thought they were unique; that was their conceit. they thought they were indispensable; that was their downfall. lie creatures from a horror flick they emerged from the swamps of middle america crying the infectious cry of the mutant, 'i need more creatures who resemble me.' and when he had gathered his spearhead of flittering monster, ann dee ANN dee ANN DEE WHORHOL, of pittsburgh, pennsylvanis, embarked on his revolution of perversion, toys and titillation. his objectives were simple: turn the outside inside and the inside outside and after all, why not?

outside the glass was shattering, the shit was approaching the fan. inside was cherries jubilee and unlimited dollops of cream. outside was watts, hanoi, birmingham, dallas, and hairy truck drivers leaning out of their cabs and yelling 'FAGGOT…..WHORE!' inside was panna grady's. doctor feelgood's, stanley's, la mama, the village and the holy of holies, the golden ark, the temple, home plate…: the FACTORY, their home, their world, their womb. outside, JFK …golden knight with miniskirted wife…was dead: business and bombs were booming, inside the children played strange games like see me, touch me, hurt me….'ah'.

children of the rich they became sevants to the privileged and so carried servants' arrogance on their platters. they served the talented so they thought they had talent. they served the licentious so they thougth they had licence… in their playrooms they migth tie a playmate up, under a glass topped table. squat on the glass and shit…giggle giggle kakka doodgy… look look! if their hamburger was medium instead of rare they would reduce the waitress to tears. they were the children of the jet set but their world could be circumnavigated by a ten dollar taxi ride: from seven bleecker street to stanley's, by the firehouse, from doctor bishop's to panna grady's; breakfastlunchdinner at the canal street luncheonette, 6 am fresh baked danish and an egg cream or maybe a hot dog at the seventy second street dabrette's, all night service and then sleep and then seven bleecker to score again.

but seven bleecker was street and street dealers are practical folks…. 'money talks shit walks…fuck the poetry gimme cash.' and cash was the rub, cameras, radios, pretty bodies, nubile tongues and soft mouths were in abundant supply but cash was short; so it was friendly doctors and visitors from tangiers and ibiza who became their afternoon audience. amphetamines were legally available in spain and morocco and these were white middle class kids, expert at whine and wiggle…speed and delirium, reflected light of aluminium foilstars, the great new york artsy, fartsy incest crowd… 'poppa on the bottom, momma on the top, sister in the middle, yellin gimme speed, pop'

monnapoppashisterbrother fornicating in the same womb…desolation road…lost in the rain everybody talking love but nobody getting their fingers wer… sex hour in the zoo…pernutations and combinations…. and in the created chaos of this inside-out world stood bleached blond, blue contact lensed albino barnum… great genius of the twentieth century… ANDY!... ANN DEE ANN DEE! War (sigh) hol ready to lead his speedfreaks, dragqueens, dominatries, hustlers and junkies out of their new york cave and into mainstream america. DOCTOR WARHOLAS travelling medicine show ready to appear at campuses, gallery opening, museums, shopping mall inaugurals, weddings and bar mitzvahs all over the country. selling his phantasies about art, money, decadence and instant celebrity to america's children of all ages. and at the center was the factory, cavern on 46th street, the nexusplexus sucking in the rebels, dreamers, gullibles, hopefuls, manipulators, minnow and sharks: the perfect peaches praying for a bruise. ginger bread house… come in hansel, welcome gretel, oh how pretty you look, welcome welcome.

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no fun

"people like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."

albert einstein

often i wish i could be more like this:

and less like this:

to the best of my knowledge, at least for a time andy warhol felt the same way

may be going clubbing soon, a state of drunkenness must be reached as soon as possible in order to feign an air of normality


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the sprawl

list of things i need:
1. polka dot tights from target
2. pair of black shorts
3. black cardigan that's not too long and not too short (impossible to find!)
4. ankle boots (i wish i'd grabbed the $7 ones from the salvos the other day)
5. big floppy sunhat from big w
6. another pair of stilettos that actually fit
7. a floral summer dress
8. love heart bag from cheap store on swanston
9. plain zip-up hoodie
10. faux fur leopard print coat (IT FEELS LIKE I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOREVER AND IT BREAKS MY HEART)


gave up on buying/making my alice in wonderland costume, ended up being edie sedgwick for halloween instead since it will be the last year i'll have hair short enough to pull it off. i wore 120-denier tights as pants, a long striped top and huge earrings, pinned my hair back to make it look shorter and sprayed it silver with temporary colouring and did full edie make-up complete with beauty spot.

chain-smoked all night, justified it with the "historically accurate costume" excuse.
i had a good time. at these parties i can forget life at school, escape judgement and just have fun.

shopping list

a dress exactly like this one. i don't know why but i'm obsessed with it and i think pixie looks fabulous in it

these adorable gloves

a dress with super long sleeves like the one edie is wearing. probably going to have to make this one

a cassette necklace that i can write my favourite lyrics on

a vintage t-shirt i can tear up and reattach with safety pins etc

this outfit. it's kind of amazing.

like a rolling stone

i don't think i'll ever stop being fascinated by edie sedgwick.

once upon a time you dressed so fine
you threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you?
people'd call, say, "beware doll, you're bound to fall"
you thought they were all kiddin' you
you used to laugh about
everybody that was hangin' out
now you don't talk so loud
now you don't seem so proud
about having to be scrounging for your next meal

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how does it feel
how does it feel
to be without a home
like a complete unknown
like a rolling stone?

you've gone to the finest school all right, miss lonely

but you know you only used to get juiced in it

and nobody has ever taught you how to live on the street

and now you find out you're gonna have to get used to it

you said you'd never compromise

with the mystery tramp, but now you realize

he's not selling any alibis

as you stare into the vacuum of his eyes

and ask him do you want to make a deal?

how does it feel

how does it feel

to be on your own

with no direction home

like a complete unknown

like a rolling stone?

you never turned around to see the frowns on the jugglers and the clowns

when they all come down and did tricks for you

you never understood that it ain't no good

you shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you

you used to ride on the chrome horse with your diplomat

who carried on his shoulder a siamese cat

ain't it hard when you discover that

he really wasn't where it's at

after he took from you everything he could steal

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how does it feel

how does it feel

to be on your own

with no direction home

like a complete unknown

like a rolling stone?

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princess on the steeple and all the pretty people

they're drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made

exchanging all kinds of precious gifts and things

but you'd better lift your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe

you used to be so amused

at napoleon in rags and the language that he used

go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse

when you got nothing, you got nothing to lose

you're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal
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how does it feel

how does it feel

to be on your own

with no direction home

like a complete unknown

like a rolling stone?

trash

grace and elegance is all well and good, but sometimes i just love a good hot mess.