my light shines on

and so my body's backlash against too much drinking/smoking/partying, not enough sleep and being a vegetarian has commenced. woke up on sunday morning with a very nasty case of tonsillitis and since then i have been wandering the house looking consumptive and wallowing in my own suffering and misery. on the bright side, quitting smoking will be a lot easier now since at present i can't think about cigarettes without wanting to weep in pain.

(and so less than a month after i am legally able to buy cigarettes, i decide to quit smoking. what a joke)

(although i'm really not sure how i'm supposed to feel about quitting, because i won't be able to be anna karina/edie.... although even though i'm not a heavy smoker by any means i will certainly be a lot healthier for it)

but yeah in other news life is wonderful

currently listening to:

movin' on up - primal scream

quality control - jurassic 5

everyday people - sly and the family stone

jackin' for beats - ice cube

held the hand of satan

i deleted my tumblr the other day because i was bored of it and it ended up just being a followers-based thing which meant i never really posted what i wanted to anymore. and i don't feel that way about this blog for some reason. it's like a very heavily censored version of my diary, with pretty pictures and a lot less angst (believe it or not).

so right now all i am doing is sleeping, going out, eating, liking boys i can't have, blah blah. initially it was all so exciting but now i feel like i am slipping back into mundanity and this saddens me a little bit. but i suppose one thing that is really nice is to have friends. having people that really do like me and want to spend time with me, for the first time in the better part of four years.

"all changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - anatole france

currently listening to

true love will find you in the end - daniel johnston

transdermal celebration - ween
concrete schoolyard - jurassic 5
dance yrself clean - lcd soundsystem

if you want it

so i've been sifting through the past year or so of posts, fixing tags and stuff, because i'm bored. and in the last few months, a bunch of comments have popped up from anonymous posters saying nice things. alarmingly, although not surprisingly, a number of these seem to come from people who know/know of me in real life. reveal yourselves, kindly anons!

also here are some nice photos from a disposable camera i just got developed, it's a strange "fortune cookie camera" i bought from urban outfitters that prints one's fortune at the bottom of the photo. these are photos of me from a night which wound up being really quite awful and distressing, and the morning after. but at least the pictures came up nice.







currently listening to:
homecoming - the teenagers
i hate rock'n'roll - the jesus & mary chain
peter gunn vs. where's your head at - 2 many dj's
sometimes - my bloody valentine

we run away but we don't know why

“i want people to know that almost everything that concerns them in their daily lives is of no consequence whatsoever. nothing and nobody is really important, so people, realizing that, should get on with their lives, go mad, take their clothes off, jump in the canal, jump into one of those supermarket trolleys, race ‘round the supermarket and steal mars bars and, y’know, kiss kittens and sit on the back of bread vans. whatever makes people happy they should just do it, ‘cos time is a mere scratch and life is nothing.” - morrissey

currently listening to:

rill rill - sleigh bells

post break-up sex - the vaccines

swate - das racist

sprawl ii (mountains beyond mountains) - arcade fire

beatniks are out to make it rich

i've got my last two exams conveniently scheduled on the same day - next monday. so far i have been spending my final studying period doing the following:

________________

- drinking tea

- facebook

- going on tumblr

- making myself french toast

- making myself fairy bread

- going for long walks in the sunshine

- browsing various opshops

- not studying

yeeah, need to do something about my motivation levels. especially considering that these are my two most difficult subjects and i got a c+ and b+ on my philosophy and media practice exams, respectively. so i'm taking a leave of absence from this blog until the 15th of november. all things aside from exams, life is good.

currently listening to:

ride a white swan - t. rex

shimmy shimmy ya - ol' dirty bastard

try a little tenderness - otis redding

buffalo stance - neneh cherry

pressure drop

so i just found out that several months ago, my mother read something which was not intended for her and subsequently learned of my occasional use of illicit substances and smoking/drinking (and thankfully not that much apart from those, luckily noone has laid hands on my diary lately to read the most recent additions). it's really quite awkward, but she has decided to accept it as a rite of passage and move on without any stern reprimands so i can be thankful for small mercies. i still have no clue what to make of this situation though.
____________

currently listening to:

a minha menina - os mutantes

running scared - roy orbison

the tracks of my tears - the miracles

all the young punks - the clash

within you without you

i want a white mohair jumper and assorted dresses with peter pan collars and platinum blonde hair please, not necessarily in that order. in the past few days i have become a vegetarian and started running again and done multiple things that audrey hepburn or grace kelly would never do but i've come to terms with the fact that i'm not either of them and never will be, right now elegance and ladylike propriety seem somewhat irrelevant to my life. i have not missed meat too much and am living off egg on toast and will probably become anaemic imminently, but i don't mind, it will only make my ghostly pallor more ghost-like which is one of my self-improvement goals. all i want to do is spend all day drinking tea and reading self-help books and listening to wavves and not studying.

ps i really don't get enough spam or abuse, please direct it towards http://formspring.me/goodnightladies.

________________

currently listening to:

green eyes - wavves

like a virgin - madonna

got to give it up - marvin gaye

light my fire - the doors

pills and soap

next year was supposed to be travel but now it turns out that i have a potential modelling contract that will start literally as soon as i finish my last exam, which is totally bizarre because i sort of forgot about modelling altogether for about two years, planned my fantasy life without it even being factored in and now of a sudden it's forced its way back into my consciousness again and i'm not sure quite what to do with it. the consensus is that i will not be hired for runway because at 5'8" i am far too short, but they think i will pick up quite a bit of photographic work. i don't know whether it will be particularly lucrative but since this agency is still interested even though i'm too short and too fat i assume so, which is comforting.

it's just strange because a while after i was a finalist in this modelling competition i was resigned to living a normal life, and now i don't know if it will be normal at all and i'm not sure if i like this idea or not. i could go to sydney and then hong kong and then maybe other places if i'm any good, but i don't know how to fit in all those other things that had always been a given, like university. i suppose i'll have to go back to my previous future-dream of becoming very famous, appearing in a series of arthouse films, stealing elvis costello from diana krall, being briefly married to morrissey, partying for several years and then dying tragically of a cocaine overdose at the age of 28. i'd better get started, only 11 years to go until deadline. (pun not intended)

in an unrelated matter, two posts ago it was my two-hundreth post. weird, i've never stuck with any creative endeavour for as long as i have this blog.

currently listening to:
i've gotta get a message to you - the bee gees
something in the way - nirvana
when will you come - wavves
gloria - patti smith

season of the witch

school will be the death of me, it's all reaching fever pitch now with final exams beginning in a little over a month and about a gazillion assessment tasks being thrown at me in the space of the next two weeks. i've already decided to skip a party which anyone who knows me will be aware caused me to die a little inside, but my media final desperately needs to be finished as soon as possible and i have literature and philosophy to worry about and basically i am constantly on the verge of spontaneous combustion from stress. which is really unlike me, considering i have rarely at any point in my life cared about school, but i guess it counts for something now.

however i have spent hours on the ATAR score calculator recently and have decided that as long as i do decently (A or A+) on most of my exams, i may get 94-ish which will be enough to get into arts at melbourne uni, and if i get in the mid-80s i'll still get into arts at monash which is less cool but still quite decent. and once it's all over, freedom. in two months! when did this all happen so fast, i'm not ready for the real world yet!

"i used to think i was the strangest person in the world but then i thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways i do. i would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. well, i hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true i’m here, and i’m just as strange as you."

- frida kahlo

currently listening to:

get ready - the temptations
heartbeat - annie
just - radiohead
territorial pissings - nirvana
______________

cherry flavoured antacids

distill the life that's inside of me
sit and drink pennyroyal tea
i'm anemic royalty
- pennyroyal tea, nirvana

i've been listening to nirvana and dinosaur jr. a lot lately, i'm not sure why. i never got into them that much originally but they both seem to fit right now.

i officially have 22 days of school left, ever. i'd like to say that this upsets me, but it really doesn't. school has been one of the most depressing and awful components of my life for a long time now, and the last few years have been a slow downward slide into a complete lack of motivation to do any work anymore. which is fortunate because i'm almost certainly going on a gap year next year, after so much of my time spent convincing my parents that it isn't, in fact, going to cause me to throw in the towel and never go to university. it's weird to think that i'm almost finally free, to an extent anyway.



currently listening to:
just like heaven (the cure cover) - dinosaur jr.
nothing but a heartache - the flirtations
back on the chain gang - the pretenders
daddy never understood - the folk implosion
_________________

what a drag it is getting old

spend spend spend!

longish and uninteresting post, sorry

so today is my 17th birthday, and i had a sleepover last night with some friends. we watched pulp fiction, slept for about three hours, woke up and watched inglourious basterds, and then headed off to the camberwell markets for the morning.

i found a little basket for $3 that i intend to use as a 1960s-style woven box bag. since it was originally a sewing basket, however, it was full of tiny, quaint little paper packets of needles, spools of thread measured in yards and a pack of fabric name tapes reading "thais gloster" (and christ knows when the name "thais" was popular). pretty cool that i own the sewing materials of a lady that's probably dead by now, though.


then i found a copy of "james dean is not dead", the title of which is probably unfamiliar to most people, but obsessive morrissey fans like me will recognise the name of one of the short biographies he wrote in the early eighties in the pre-smiths era (the other of which was about the new york dolls). i was practically frothing at the mouth once i found that it was indeed credited to one "steven morrissey" and got it for $5. not bad considering copies go for 60 pounds these days.



the rest of the things i found were pretty boring, just a couple of leather bags for $3 and $6 respectively, a pair of white leather shoes for $15, a flowery swimsuit for $10 and a copy of the wall by pink floyd on vinyl in great condition for $20. i had a good birthday :)
___________________________
currently listening to:
oliver's army - elvis costello
end of the world - girls
la la love you - pixies
about you - jesus and mary chain
________________________

ps: i started a formspring! ask me whatever you like :)

music i'm obsessed with right now

albums:

loaded - the velvet underground

not that i haven't always been totally obsessed with this album, but it's really grown on me a lot and i've been listening to oh sweet nuthin' and new age almost nonstop lately.

darklands - the jesus and mary chain
i love basically everything the jesus and mary chain does, and this album is lovely. pretty sure nobody else reconciles my love of feedback with my love of sixties style harmonies like they do

secondhand daylight - magazine
magazine is actually amazing and criminally underrated. both this and their debut real life are part of that rare breed of albums that don't have a bad song on them

phrazes for the young - julian casablancas

i was desperate to see him when he comes to melbourne in may but it's at the palace theatre which is all seated, therefore totally lame. i guess i'll just have to wait until the strokes drop their new album and tour accordingly :(

________________________________

songs:

thirteen - big star (still in mourning over alex chilton)

my time outside the womb - titus andronicus

love like blood - killing joke

laura - girls

come and stay with me - marianne faithfull

i don't love anyone - belle & sebastian

he's gone - vivian girls (wish i could find an mp3 copy of the chantels original)

_______________________

vinyl i bought today:

so - peter gabriel ($7)

puppet on a string 4" - sandie shaw ($3)

________________________

bubble gum

this could be the cutest outfit ever, courtesy of 60s yé-yé singer sylvie vartan:

i adore her, a recent musical discovery in my neverending quest for more french 60s pop. pictured here with john and paul:

in other news i was reading this blog today and fell in love with her DIY ramones bag:

isn't it gorgeous? might have to try something similar myself one of these days

currently listening to:
la noyée ~ serge gainsbourg
bubble gum ~ brigitte bardot
some kinda love ~ the velvet underground
love is the drug ~ roxy music

you're a big girl now

every time i listen to this song i want to burst into tears

deus ex machina

i saw this movie but i'm not sure if i like it

but every 13 year old girl and her myspace loves it

i think it was a fabulous mindfuck but my death-fear came back after watching it.

this death-fear is becoming very persistent and worrying, i hope i don't have clinical anxiety or something.

_______________________________________________

i don't think i like benson & hedges as much as kents

_____________________________________

want to see dr. strangelove + a million gazillion other things

eg: american beauty

requiem for a dream

dazed and confused

mulholland dr.

candy

lost in translation

the science of sleep

less than zero (once i finish the book)
coffee and cigarettes

fight club (i STILL haven't seen it)

________________________________________

i don't know how to write a blog that isn't self indulgent
because i am self indulgent

_______________________________

can't stop listening to i wanna be your dog!

i think it might be the sexiest song i've listened to.

in a really weird way.

____________________________________

without you i'm nothing

these days after the conclusion of year 11, my life consists of this:

- wake up at 9 instead of 6:50
- lie around for most of the morning
- get dressed and walk down to camberwell
- smoke a couple on the way
- put a trashy magazine and a pack of gum on my parent's account at the newsagents
- withdraw some money and buy something at the opshop
- walk around target checking out the cheap shoes
- check out the cheap asian store on the way back
- walk home again

so yeah studying for my year 12 health and human development exam is not a part of this schedule at all. really, i should be studying, because this is the one whose results actually count and could potentially decide my future if i do really well or really badly. but frankly i have never studied before in my life and i don't plan to start in year 11, or next year for that matter. thankfully most of my subjects are english based ones that you can't really study for, or folio based ones that don't have an exam.

i was looking for a job and then i found a job, and heaven knows i'm miserable now. new waitress at a dodgy italian restaurant that gave everyone salmonella a couple of years back. anyway, it's $8.50 an hour for not having any idea what i'm doing, so i can't complain.

i think a boy likes me that i don't like, well i like him as a friend but i'm not attracted to him, awkward

i really should get around to watching true romance one of these days

currently listening to:
trigger ~ sandrine
sonic reducer ~ dead boys
lust in the movies ~ the long blondes
bad romance ~ lady gaga

saw this photo in a magazine when i was 12 and, without knowing who marianne faithfull was, took it in to my hairdresser and asked for the same fringe. true story

saw this photo when i was 14, took it in to the hairdresser and asked her to cut off all my beautiful waist length hair. true story

this song is beautiful

i'm sick and tired of the way that i feel,

i'm always dreaming and it's never for real.

i'm all alone with my deep thoughts,

i'm all alone with my heartache and my good intentions.

i work to eat and drink and sleep just to live,

feels like i'm never getting back what i give.

i've got a sad song in my sweet heart.

and all i really ever need is some love and attention.

and i don't want to cry my whole life through,

i want to do some laughing too.

so come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me.

and i don't want to die without shaking up a leg or two,

yeah, i want to do some dancing too.

so come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me.

sometimes you've just gotta make it for yourself.

sometimes sugar, it just takes someone else.

first date

i wonder.

(my only mistake is i'm hoping.)

___________________________

currently listening to:

all day and all of the night ~ the kinks

exit music (for a film) ~ radiohead

drive ~ the cars

ever fallen in love (with someone you shouldn't've) ~ buzzcocks

rave on

____________________________

i feel like i am drowning.

_______________________________

currently listening to:

how to disappear completely ~ radiohead

let's dance ~ david bowie

sunny afternoon ~ the kinks

what do i get? ~ the buzzcocks

bad kids

currently listening to:
it ain't me babe ~ bob dylan
lover's spit ~ broken social scene
stuck on repeat ~ little boots
this is not a test ~ she & him