song lyrics that sum up my life recently

1. you do it to yourself, you do, and that's why it really hurts.

2. but will my heart be broken when the night meets the morning sun?

3. now i'm just crazy, i'm totally mad, yeah i'm just crazy and fucked in the head.

4. no fun to hang around, feeling that same old way.

5. my own friends hate my guts, so what, oh so what, who gives a fuck.

6. to your sister he explains, that you're tired of yourself and all of your creations.

7. cause i like you, yeah i like you, and i'm feeling so bohemian like you.

8. do you believe in something beautiful? then get up and be it.

9. seen enough to eye you, but i've seen too much to try you.

10. there will always be a space in my parking lot, when you need a little coke and sympathy.

wild horses

within you without you

i want a white mohair jumper and assorted dresses with peter pan collars and platinum blonde hair please, not necessarily in that order. in the past few days i have become a vegetarian and started running again and done multiple things that audrey hepburn or grace kelly would never do but i've come to terms with the fact that i'm not either of them and never will be, right now elegance and ladylike propriety seem somewhat irrelevant to my life. i have not missed meat too much and am living off egg on toast and will probably become anaemic imminently, but i don't mind, it will only make my ghostly pallor more ghost-like which is one of my self-improvement goals. all i want to do is spend all day drinking tea and reading self-help books and listening to wavves and not studying.

ps i really don't get enough spam or abuse, please direct it towards http://formspring.me/goodnightladies.

________________

currently listening to:

green eyes - wavves

like a virgin - madonna

got to give it up - marvin gaye

light my fire - the doors

favourite music video of all time

it's so beautiful.

cognitive dissonance

one hot summer’s day a fox was strolling through an orchard till he came to a bunch of grapes just ripening on a vine which had been trained over a lofty branch. “just the things to quench my thirst,” quoth he. drawing back a few paces, he took a run and a jump, and just missed the bunch. turning round again with a one, two, three, he jumped up, but with no greater success. again and again he tried after the tempting morsel, but at last had to give it up, and walked away with his nose in the air, saying: “i am sure they are sour.”

“IT IS EASY TO DESPISE WHAT YOU CANNOT ATTAIN.”
~ aesop

pills and soap

next year was supposed to be travel but now it turns out that i have a potential modelling contract that will start literally as soon as i finish my last exam, which is totally bizarre because i sort of forgot about modelling altogether for about two years, planned my fantasy life without it even being factored in and now of a sudden it's forced its way back into my consciousness again and i'm not sure quite what to do with it. the consensus is that i will not be hired for runway because at 5'8" i am far too short, but they think i will pick up quite a bit of photographic work. i don't know whether it will be particularly lucrative but since this agency is still interested even though i'm too short and too fat i assume so, which is comforting.

it's just strange because a while after i was a finalist in this modelling competition i was resigned to living a normal life, and now i don't know if it will be normal at all and i'm not sure if i like this idea or not. i could go to sydney and then hong kong and then maybe other places if i'm any good, but i don't know how to fit in all those other things that had always been a given, like university. i suppose i'll have to go back to my previous future-dream of becoming very famous, appearing in a series of arthouse films, stealing elvis costello from diana krall, being briefly married to morrissey, partying for several years and then dying tragically of a cocaine overdose at the age of 28. i'd better get started, only 11 years to go until deadline. (pun not intended)

in an unrelated matter, two posts ago it was my two-hundreth post. weird, i've never stuck with any creative endeavour for as long as i have this blog.

currently listening to:
i've gotta get a message to you - the bee gees
something in the way - nirvana
when will you come - wavves
gloria - patti smith

1979

oh elvis, how i love you so. no wonder this man is in part responsible for my ongoing obsessions with glasses and gap-teeth.

paper cuts

dressing up as b.b. in le mepris tomorrow for celebrity dress up day. noone will get it but whatever.

i'm always dreaming and it's never for real

okay so as i found out today, apparently someone i know read a blog post that involved her long long ago (like back in the starting months of my blog) and got upset. which is just awkward. this however, is weird because i deleted that post before i made my blog public to people from my school soooo, apparently my blog was being stalked by people i know somehow even before i made my blog link available and presumably still is. heaven knows how many people are reading my blog that i don't want to. the sentiment about the blog post in question is still there i suppose but i don't really care anymore, fuck school and all these petty stupid school things that everyone gets wrapped up in, sick of all this rubbish

season of the witch

school will be the death of me, it's all reaching fever pitch now with final exams beginning in a little over a month and about a gazillion assessment tasks being thrown at me in the space of the next two weeks. i've already decided to skip a party which anyone who knows me will be aware caused me to die a little inside, but my media final desperately needs to be finished as soon as possible and i have literature and philosophy to worry about and basically i am constantly on the verge of spontaneous combustion from stress. which is really unlike me, considering i have rarely at any point in my life cared about school, but i guess it counts for something now.

however i have spent hours on the ATAR score calculator recently and have decided that as long as i do decently (A or A+) on most of my exams, i may get 94-ish which will be enough to get into arts at melbourne uni, and if i get in the mid-80s i'll still get into arts at monash which is less cool but still quite decent. and once it's all over, freedom. in two months! when did this all happen so fast, i'm not ready for the real world yet!

"i used to think i was the strangest person in the world but then i thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways i do. i would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. well, i hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true i’m here, and i’m just as strange as you."

- frida kahlo

currently listening to:

get ready - the temptations
heartbeat - annie
just - radiohead
territorial pissings - nirvana
______________

i am going to

a) stop whining, and
b) be the person i want to be, starting....

right
now.

wish me luck.

and the flames went higher

"the emptiness is a mirror turned towards my own face. i see myself in it, and i am filled with loathing and horror. through my indifference to my fellow men, i have isolated myself from their company. now i live in a world of phantoms. i am imprisoned in my dreams and fantasies."
- the seventh seal, ingmar bergman

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"i am sorry, did you know i couldn't last i always knew it. i wish i could meet you all again."

- candy darling