marilyn monroe on arthur miller

my love sleeps beside me -

in the faint light - i see his manly jaw

give way - and the mouth of his

boyhood returns

with a softness softer

its sensitiveness trembling

in stillness

his eyes must have looked out

wonderously from the cave of the little

boy - when the things he did not

understand -

he forgot

but will he look like this when he is dead

oh unbearable fact inevitable

yet sooner would i rather his love die

than him?

a deeply superficial person

i don't understand when people say that andy warhol was a hack, that his work was meaningless. that's the idea, i thought. confronting the world with the lack of meaning, the purposelessness inherent in life itself, just its utter emptiness. you can look into marilyn's eyes but her gaze is unfocused and vague, a sort of thousand yard stare that goes on forever into complete nothingness. it's just the surface laid bare with nothing underneath. because that's what life is, isn't it? i think it's beautiful.

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"if you want to know all about andy warhol, just look at the surface of my paintings and films and me, and there i am. there's nothing behind it."

- andy warhol

and the flames went higher

"the emptiness is a mirror turned towards my own face. i see myself in it, and i am filled with loathing and horror. through my indifference to my fellow men, i have isolated myself from their company. now i live in a world of phantoms. i am imprisoned in my dreams and fantasies."
- the seventh seal, ingmar bergman

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"i am sorry, did you know i couldn't last i always knew it. i wish i could meet you all again."

- candy darling

goddess

'when i just wrote "this is the end of norma jean", i blushed as if i had been caught out in a lie. because this sad, bitter child who grew up too fast is hardly ever out of my heart. with success all around me, i can still feel her frightened eyes looking out of mine. she keeps saying, "i never lived, i was never loved," and often i get confused and think it's i who am saying it.'
- marilyn monroe

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marilyn's pretty

wow that last post was cathartic, anyway sorry to harp on about bob dylan for the third post in a row but it really upsets me that it's difficult to find a copy of dont look back in australian mainstream dvd stores because i would really quite like to see it.

so i realised recently, i spend so much of my time just trying to fly under the radar and succeeding in that 90% of people i know pretend i don't exist, that i am genuinely bemused when someone goes out of their way to be nice to me. it's weird.

also, i'm glad i've been able to get a handle on my self-pitying posts/delete them all, because now and again i see blogs with self-pitying posts and it just comes across as whiny and self-absorbed (not that blog posting isn't, in itself, a self-absorbed and - depending on how many rants you posts - whiny activity) and i feel a bit uncomfortable reading them, it seems almost voyeuristic as if you're gazing into someone's totally crazy neurotic thoughts. that was a really long and poorly structured sentence/entire post, sorry.

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borderline personality disorder

"a marked and persistent identity disturbance is almost invariably present. this is often pervasive, and is manifested by uncertainty about several life issues, such as self-image, types of friends or lovers to have, and which values to adopt. the person often experiences this instability of self-image as chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom.

interpersonal relationships are usually unstable and intense, and may be characterized by alternation of the extremes of overidealization and devaluation. these people have difficulty tolerating being alone, and will make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

affective instability is common. this may be evidenced by marked mood shifts from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually last a few hours or, only rarely, more than a few days. in addition, these people often have inappropriately intense anger with frequent displays of temper or recurrent physical fights. they tend to be impulsive, particularly in activities that are potentially self-damaging, such as shopping sprees, psychoactive substance abuse, binge eating, reckless driving, casual sex, and shoplifting."

~ from the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, 3d edition, revised (1987), pp. 346-47

slightly bemused by the total rejection

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forgive us our trespasses

we have a dog now. it was going to be my grandmother's, to be given to her by my aunt after my grandfather's funeral. my grandmother had a massive stroke at the wake, so obviously the dog-gift kind of fell through. my uncle, a farmer, is irresponsible with his animals so after it was left out in the rain and partially mauled by their bull terrier, my dad took the dog back to us. her name is millie and she is a corgi. i don't like dogs very much, but millie is okay. she is 10 years old though so she will probably not last very long

i had fairy bread for breakfast, continuing my holiday tradition of at least one meal each day being absolute crap

sometimes i wish i could believe in god so that i would feel assured about where i would go after death
then again, sometimes i think i fear immortality even more than i fear death
it all has to end somewhere, sometime, doesn't it.

"every guy i fall for becomes jesus christ within the first twenty-four hours of our relationship. i know that this happens, i see it happening, i even feel myself, sometimes, standing at some temporal crossroads, some distinct moment at which i can walk away - just say no - and keep it from happening, but i never do. i grab at everything, i end up with nothing, and then i feel bereft. i mourn for the loss of something i never even had. i am a sick, sick girl."

elizabeth wurtzel, prozac nation

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she's lost control again

there is something about the vulnerability in these images that is so pure and beautiful. just mesmerizing.

on a different subject entirely ~ apparently no doubt is going to perform stand and deliver by adam and the ants, one of my favourite songs ever, on a future episode of gossip girl. fuck yes.

currently listening to:

i'm through with love ~ marilyn monroe

i know it's gonna happen someday ~ morrissey

paper cuts ~ the boy least likely to

opus 23 ~ dustin o'halloran