surrender

i consider it one of my greatest signs of trust to allow someone to see me without makeup. outside my immediate family there is only a handful of people who have. i don't know why but putting eyeliner on so frequently for the better part of three years has made it an indelible part of my sense of identity, and i just feel so vulnerable without it. so even though i am convinced i look awful when my face is bare, it still feels nice to completely remove my mask in front of you, or at least one of them.

my old ways

you may not believe it
but there are people
who go through life with
very little
friction or
distress.
they dress well, eat
well, sleep well.
they are contented with
their family
life.
they have moments of
grief
but all in all
they are undisturbed
and often feel
very good.
and when they die
it is an easy
death, usually in their
sleep.
you may not believe
it
but such people do
exist.
but i am not one of
them.
oh no, I am not one of them,
I am not even near
to being
one of
them.
but they
are there
and I am
here

- charles bukowski

something illusory

i am slowly, tentatively coming to terms with the fact that i am no longer an atheist. not a theist by any stretch of the imagination, no, but now firmly agnostic - finally acknowledging that i know absolutely nothing anymore. i realised some time ago that while i used to deride the way that religious people would find solace in believing that something else was out there, i was, in a funny way, comforted in my certainty that there was no grand mystery behind everything to decipher. i can't really explain why i have changed my mind so drastically over a fairly long period of time, but somehow i have. and while i'm not willing to concede the existence of, for lack of a better term, 'something' (and definitely not a specific, if any, deity), i just can't say that i believe in nothing anymore.

wasted and i can't find my way home

back from two weeks in new york, it was beautiful. i went to lots of art galleries, wandered around fifth avenue, caught the train to chelsea and soho, ate huge breakfasts at a cute little diner called the astro, bought too many clothes, and too many books, and got caught in one of the worst snowstorms in new york's history. it was nice but it's good to be home again.

nyc playlist

can i kick it? - a tribe called quest
airplanes - local natives
sweatmother - tobacco
red lights - holy fuck
personality crisis - new york dolls
i can't stand it - the velvet underground
difficult - uffie
loaded - primal scream
andy's chest - lou reed