love

i have been reading a blog recently that is always beautiful and often profound.

"it's hard for me to tell sometimes because i'm in love with love and this is something i've grown to accept, i'll never ask my head to come down from the clouds because that is where i think it belongs. you fall farther when you live way up there but you live better, you live so much better."

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in a similar vein i watched this film for the first time in quite a while.

"i don't know who i am. i'm like cat here. we're a couple of no-name slobs. we belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. we don't even belong to each other."

it came to my attention that i spend an awful lot of time wondering what it's like to belong to someone and for someone to belong to you.

"i had fun, but i didn't really have anyone i particularly loved. and i still don't, except for loving friends. but i mean, i haven't been in love with anyone in years and years. but i have a certain amount of faith that it'll come."

~ edie sedgwick, the ciao manhattan tapes

borderline

"like, when i, when i step outside myself kinda, and when i, when i look in at myself you know? and i see me and i don't like what i see, i really don't."

some candy talking

i've kind of given up on trying to be normal during high school. i'm not going to regularly attend parties. i'm not going to be friends with the people who i think are the coolest. i'm not going to be in a relationship. everything i daydream about is fanciful and silly and will remain just that - a daydream.

all i can hope for is a fresh start once i am out in the real world, assuming anything will change.

the space between our work and its product

we live as we dream, alone

to crack the shell we mix with the others

some flirt with fascism

some lie in the arms of lovers

__________________________

we live as we dream, alone

we live as we dream, alone

we live as we dream, alone

_________________________

[...]

_________________________

man and woman need to work

it helps us define ourselves

we were not born in isolation

but sometimes it seems that way

_________________________

we live as we dream, alone

we live as we dream, alone

we live as we dream, alone

_________________________

_________________________

i can't stand it much longer.

sixteen, clumsy and shy

out of all of the types of people who i admire in the world, the ones i most want to be like are extroverts. i honestly can't see how they do it, letting go of their inhibitions and just doing whatever or talking to whomever they please. they make it seem so easy, when for people like me, the fear of reaching out to people is paralysing and almost impossible to overcome.

when people first meet me, they think i'm a bitch, and this opinion can be backed up by almost everyone that i am friends with now. when i try desperately hard, i can come off as halfway normal, but even then it is rare. the only thing i can think of that might give the awful impression that i do is simply being cold and detached - i just can't break out of my self-consciousness, and it makes me come off, apparently, as an "ice queen".

i would do anything to be able to change it, to be like all the charismatic and charming and engaging people that i hero-worship. i've heard plenty of times about people who go out into the world and suddenly lose their fear of initially interacting with others - i hope it will happen someday.

there is a wall between me and other people, and while they are all having fun, i'm sitting on the sidelines, too scared to move close to anyone, like a huge weight is anchoring me to the spot.

with your triumphs and your charms

i feel awful. why does everybody else have a montgomery clift except me

for you i was a flame

though i'm rather blind
love is a fate resigned

memories mar my mind

love is a fate resigned

over futile odds

and laughed at by the gods

and now the final frame

love is a losing game.

anywhere i lay my head

i'm baaaack.
to be honest i can't really be bothered detailing my adventures in germany, but a picture tells a thousand words, so here's a whole lot of words for you.

freiburg

on the tram in freiburg

l-r: me, janet, tina

day trip to strasbourg, france

strasbourg
mmm, apfelsaft

munich

night out in munich

day trip to basel, switzerland

bmw museum

berlin

berlin wall

cologne

our hostel room in cologne, aka the fortress of awesomeness. cleanliness is apparently not our strong point.

cruise down the rhine

the downside of this trip is that now that i'm back in australia, i'm bitterly disappointed. this is a snippet of my tirade directed towards my family in general:

me: australia is awful. if you go to the country here, there's cows. if you go to the country in germany, there's bloody castles everywhere.
mum: it isn't that bad. living in australia does have its advantages.
me: yeah but it's not exactly the hub of fucking civilisation, is it ?

anyway, my point is, as soon as school as over i'm off to europe and i'm never coming back - how i will execute this is another matter. since my grandfather was swiss my father had the chance of taking out citizenship until the age of 18, and he never did, which pisses me off even more. he regrets it now, but that doesn't make it any better, does it ?
if you're in europe and willing to marry me temporarily with the next few years so that i can gain citizenship, let me know, mmkay ?

i'm gonna watch the bluebirds fly

without any intent to sound melodramatic, i have never felt more awful in my life. my cat was hit and killed by a car yesterday afternoon, he was only three years old. the house feels empty. i can't believe he is really gone forever.

of deep meaning philosophies where only showbiz loses

apparently record labels have just gone on an insane deleting spree. about a quarter of my youtube videos had to be deleted because of copyright. the videos are made to sync with the song so this silly audioswap business isn't going to be any help, sorry, thanx for trying. this is so annoying, i slaved over these videos. while none of my ~best works~ were deleted, there were several with disabled audio that i was quite fond of including a fred astaire and ginger rogers tribute set to "lose control" by missy elliot. edgy, i know. but now nobody has the pleasure of watching it except me. ugh. i guess i'm just going to have to start using more obscure songs for my videos. check out one of the 18 videos remaining ~ my channel is d1sintegration [named aaages ago when i was obsessed with that song by the cure, okay ?]

on a more cheerful note, i now have everything i need for germany except for boots. i have issues with buying boots because my calves are abnormally slim, so boots are always too wide and look completely ridiculous. but anyway on saturday i hit piccadilly circus in carlton and as far as successful purchases go, i got ~

~ a red wool and cashmere duffel coat, $149 ;

~ black wool/angora gloves, $24.95 [i can't find a good picture that looks similar]

~ black acrylic scarf, $24.95 [ditto].

i would post an outfit photo but tbh the webcam photo quality is just awful so i'd rather wait until i get a decent camera. [i actually do have a sort-of-okay camera, but i lost the cord that connects it to the computer. shhhh.]

on sunday i hit the camberwell markets with the family. my 11-years-old-as-of-march-6 sister, sophie, has been obsessed with the idea of busking lately so she brought her ipod speakers and sang this is me from camp rock. in case you haven't guessed, my sister and i are basically the most divergent siblings you can get when it comes to personality. anyway she bolted about 5 minutes after she started because dad was monitoring her and she wanted him to "go away", being helplessly infantile as usual, and eventually we all met up at the coffee shop.

it was pretty slim pickings at the market, clothing-wise, but i spotted a fabulous 80s party dress. it was strapless, cream and had three matching rosettes at the bust and the waist [it's a lot less weird and ugly than it sounds]. the dress is the exact same shape that i want for my formal dress and i was endeared to the cute details but unfortunately it had perspiration stains. gross.

eventually i got a pair of cute mesh gloves for $10 ~

such a small touch but nevertheless made me feel 50x more chic.

anyway i must stop writing because i have a health and human development 3/4 sac in two days and i am incapable of studying at the moment [as if i'm ever capable of studying]. it sucks because i can't dismiss it as not counting because it DOES count .. i have an english 1/2 sac on medea on friday but i'm not really stressing because i like essays and all i have to do is write notes. whereas i don't know shit about ishchaemic heart disease or w/e. so, bai for now.

i know it's gonna happen someday

my funny valentine
sweet comic valentine
you make me smile with my heart

your looks are laughable

unphotographable

yet you're my favourite work of art

_____________
is your figure less than greek ?

is your mouth a little weak ?

when you open it to speak

are you smart ?

don't change a hair for me

not if you care for me

stay little valentine, stay

each day is valentines day

but srsly though, i don't have a valentine. weep for me pls