a poem about marianne faithfull, by patti smith

'I was born in Hampstead. My mother wasn’t screaming so they didn’t believe she was in labor. Later I went to convent school. Later I rode in leather. Later I took some sleeping pills. I needed to lose…'
M.F.

there is a sweetness
in your little girl mouth
and the pearls you hold
in the palm of your hand
everytime you extend that hand
you break down you fantasize
you are circumsized
agonized
scourged
crowned
crucified
pierced four times
your sacred heart bleeds
drips and drips down
women weep at your feet
twelve men turn you
twelve men desire you
(ammonia clouds your armpits)
a starfish quivers in your belly
and the arrows shake out
shake out shake out
and the muscles in your heart ache
a fish slaps back your face
you roll you roll over
in the sanctuary yards
in a coarse black dress
bless your hot virgin mouth
you would be Judas
and Christ himself
you would be Mary Magdalene
the only woman
who made our savior weep
yet you would pull mandrax in
like the sacred wafer
leave me for eternal sleep
But no. I wont let you go.
I wont let you go.no.
wont let the honey drain
from your sweet sweet box
wont let the crowds blush and gasp
while you carry your cross
wont let the flower girls fan you
hind a big black hearse
wont let the pearls
crumble crumble
from your little girl mouth

time has come today

it's the night before my first year 12 exam. i probably ought to be panicking right now, because while i tend to do quite well in english without making much of an effort, i am really a bit underprepared for this. and since it's late there isn't much i can do right now but hope for the best. at the moment i'm just waiting for the terror of this to hit me.

but the plus side is, in exactly 18 days i will be free from school. and then:
* schoolies
* blondie/the pretenders on december 1
* girls on december 10
* christmas in new york
* summer
* whole life being ahead of me etc.

ps. this song is PHENOMENAL.

graduation

officially graduated from school today. it's a bizarre feeling and i don't think it's quite sunk in yet, possibly the reason why i didn't cry at all, or feel any urge to do so. of course there are still exams, but the bottom line is that today was the one of the last times the entire year 12 cohort will be together and it's so strange to think that i might never see most of these people ever again by the end of the year. i generally don't cope well at all with change but i hope that leaving school and starting all over again will be a good thing for me - i just can't comprehend this concept properly at the moment.

pressure drop

so i just found out that several months ago, my mother read something which was not intended for her and subsequently learned of my occasional use of illicit substances and smoking/drinking (and thankfully not that much apart from those, luckily noone has laid hands on my diary lately to read the most recent additions). it's really quite awkward, but she has decided to accept it as a rite of passage and move on without any stern reprimands so i can be thankful for small mercies. i still have no clue what to make of this situation though.
____________

currently listening to:

a minha menina - os mutantes

running scared - roy orbison

the tracks of my tears - the miracles

all the young punks - the clash

beauty

"i guess i could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like i'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... and then i remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and i can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... you have no idea what i'm talking about, i'm sure. but don't worry... you will someday." - american beauty

ghost world

the oval portrait

so i just finished watching vivre sa vie properly for the first time, and this scene and the finale it precedes is by far some of the most beautiful cinema i have ever seen.

"and in sooth some who beheld the portrait spoke of its resemblence as of a mighty marvel and a proof not less of the power of the painter than of his deep love for her whom he depicted so surpassingly well. but at length, as the labor drew nearer to its conclusion, there were admitted none into the turret, for the painter had grown wild with the ardor of his work and turned his eyes from the canvas rarely, even to regard his wife. and he would not see that the tints which he spread upon the canvas were drawn from the cheeks of her who sat beside him. and when many weeks had passed and but little remained to do save one brush upon the mouth and one tint upon the eye, the spirit of the lady again flickered up as the flame of the lamp, and then the brush was given and then the tint was placed. and for one moment, the painter stood entranced, before the work he had wrought. but in the next, while he yet gazed, he grew tremulous and aghast and crying with a loud voice: "this is indeed life itself!" turned suddenly to regard his beloved: she was dead."

in beautiful dreams

oh roy orbison, why do you depress me so.

"it's too bad that all these things

can only happen in dreams

only in dreams, in beautiful dreams"

music that has changed my life

in order of when it changed my life. nb: don't judge me.

2002

avril lavigne - yeah yeah, i know. but for whatever reason, avril struck a chord with my 9-year-old self, and misled me into thinking that if i wore cargo pants, spiky bracelets and excessive amounts of eyeliner then i was totally ~punk rock~. this misconception endured for the next 4 years of my life. thanks a lot avril.

2004

blink 182 - i had a huge crush on whiney-voiced frontman tom delonge (don't ask). really not much to say about blink in terms of musical merit so let's leave it at that.

2005
green day - i had a huge crush on the 5'7", eyelinered frontman billie joe armstrong (it just keeps getting better and better). getting into vaguely heavier but still very tame territory, and i was still inexplicably convinced that i was a "punk", how embarrassing. AND they were my first concert, sigh. eventually i started looking into green day's influences leading to....

2006

the sex pistols - finally i had escaped the influence of my friends with terrible music taste, who scoffed at johnny rotten's maniacal laughter at the start of anarchy in the uk as i drowned out their favourite "piano-rock" band, something corporate. i know they are often maligned as being a terrible band, and they probably were but deep down i still have a soft spot for the pistols, if only for partially saving me from musical purgatory.

blondie - probably the first really great band that i started heavily listening to. i don't know if it was some reference in school of rock or the mean girls soundtrack that compelled me to buy their greatest hits, but my life is all the more enriched for it..... apart from that time i tried to dye my hair platinum blonde and failed miserably.

the clash - i had a huge crush on joe strummer (still do.) i was a very anti-authoritarian child in year 8, the year i started dressing like a prostitute, wagging classes and consistently failing maths tests. for these purposes i chose know your rights as my personal soundtrack of choice. in retrospect, not their best.

the beatles - while i initially really disliked the beatles (dad used to play sgt pepper's on long car trips), by this age i was apparently mature enough to gain an appreciation of their music. additionally, around this time i realised i wasn't actually hardcore, which was a blessing for both me and my long-suffering friends. my beatlemania gained momentum and carried on through 2007 and beyond.

2007

the cure - not really that great a band but i loved them a lot back in year 9 despite almost solely listening to their poppy songs eg just like heaven, friday i'm in love etc. i also went through a worrying phase where i almost considered robert smith attractive, whew lucky i pulled out of that one relatively unscathed.
the smiths - i had a huge crush on morrissey (part of me still thinks he is my soulmate). i listened to the smiths at a point in my life when i was EXTREMELY whiney and had a disgustingly embarrassing, all-consuming real-life crush, so there are very few songs i can listen to now without feeling slightly shameful. i really did worship moz and co. at the time though and i still appreciate them a lot, i might never feel such a connection to a single band ever again even if it was based on a prolonged attack of complete pathetic-ness.
2008
the velvet underground - around the time i became completely obsessed with andy warhol, i started listening to the velvet underground, particularly their first album. vu are probably my most prolonged musical obsession as while my interest occasionally wanes, there is just so much material out there that i have yet to find and start listening to. such an amazing band. thanks, andy!

pulp - i had a huge crush on jarvis cocker, why did he have to get old and grow a beard. this was probably the start of the period when i listened almost exclusively to all-male bands that weren't really THAT great, eg suede and blur. i still listen to a few songs but played their hits so many times that i can no longer stand them in large quantities.
new order - can't quite remember when i first started properly listening to them but the trainspotting soundtrack probably had a bit to do with it. i worshipped new order and once again had the problem where i overplayed certain songs to the point where i can no longer listen to them quite so frequently. still have lots of love for the trainspotting soundtrack though.

2009
bob dylan - i owned highway 61 revisited for the longest time but for some weird reason i just couldn't get into it apart from a couple of songs (probably because back then i couldn't listen to a song longer than 4 minutes). in particular, i never got why like a rolling stone was so great - i had always skipped over it after the first 10 seconds (i know right, there was something wrong with me!). anyway one day i was doing something to my hair and couldn't be bothered skipping it, and all of a sudden it hit me, and i have never looked back. like a rolling stone is probably my favourite song of all time and i love everything related to bob dylan except for all albums after blood on the tracks (that level of brilliance can't be maintained forever y'know)
the ronettes - to be fair, i got into a LOT of girl groups last year but the ronettes were the first and most important. i will never get over the amazingness of be my baby, ever. just a timeless and beautiful and perfect band.

2010

pink floyd - i had a huge crush on syd barrett (still do). i hated pink floyd for the longest time but eventually came around one day when i watched a documentary and a) saw syd barrett, and b) heard the song brain damage. and to think i spent so many years telling my parents how lame and overrated they were, sigh.

these are only the ones that stick out, there are many more that i can't remember right now and of course the minor bands that had some influence on my journey to listening-to-semi-decent-music. and to think it all started with sk8r boi.