Wednesday, November 30, 2011

we are young, we run free

i'm a lot happier now. i feel secure with, and love, my friends - they are all wonderful and i hope i'll always be blessed enough to associate myself with them. i have let go of the past, finally, and while in some senses i look back with bitterness i know i am above all that now. i eat less junk food (although i can't attest to perfection). i have started running again, and the sense of freedom and perseverance and strength and accomplishment that comes with it has finally returned to me. i'm reading books again, and enjoying them. i still smoke, but we all have our vices and i get a lot of pleasure out of it for now. somebody loves me, unconditionally, and i love them the same. and it's not tinged with mediocrity or cynicism like most of the relationships around us: it is completely pure, maybe a little naive, but still grounded in determination to be together forever. the kind of love where we talked about marriage and growing old together after three months, stuff that sounds completely silly and in-the-moment and frivolous but was, and is, wholly believed by both of us. and we are both just deliriously happy together. my best friend told me, that she had never believed in love until us. anyway enough of that stuff

so in spite of all this happiness - probably the happiest i've ever been, and the most secure i've ever felt here in melbourne - i have to leave, very soon. i found out fairly recently that i'm to be sent to japan and south korea by my modelling agency, leaving for four months at the start of january. it will be an amazing experience, but it couldn't have come at a worse time. still, i'm sure it will work out fine. i'll come home, hopefully a few thousands of dollars richer, and i can put a deposit on a house with the love of my life, and that will be that. and then all i have to worry about is transferring to a different university and getting a degree, and then getting a job and having babies and living happily ever after and stuff. (this is all completely straight-faced, i hope you know, and i have lots of reason to believe that being happy for the rest of my life is a reasonable assumption to make.)
and yeah

Sunday, November 6, 2011

sodom and gomorrah

"those were vile people in both those cities, as is well known. the world was better off without them.

and lot's wife, of course, was told not to look back where all those people and their homes had been. but she did look back, and i love her for that, because it was so human.
so she turned to a pillar of salt. so it goes."
- slaughterhouse five, kurt vonnegut