cherry flavoured antacids

distill the life that's inside of me
sit and drink pennyroyal tea
i'm anemic royalty
- pennyroyal tea, nirvana

i've been listening to nirvana and dinosaur jr. a lot lately, i'm not sure why. i never got into them that much originally but they both seem to fit right now.

i officially have 22 days of school left, ever. i'd like to say that this upsets me, but it really doesn't. school has been one of the most depressing and awful components of my life for a long time now, and the last few years have been a slow downward slide into a complete lack of motivation to do any work anymore. which is fortunate because i'm almost certainly going on a gap year next year, after so much of my time spent convincing my parents that it isn't, in fact, going to cause me to throw in the towel and never go to university. it's weird to think that i'm almost finally free, to an extent anyway.



currently listening to:
just like heaven (the cure cover) - dinosaur jr.
nothing but a heartache - the flirtations
back on the chain gang - the pretenders
daddy never understood - the folk implosion
_________________

i'm sitting in jayne mansfield's car

so like, i really need to stop pinning my hopes on things, because i always get fucked over eventually. i think my problem is that i'm one of those people that needs others to like them, but has no idea how to go about being likeable. often i wish that people could just tell me what is really, fundamentally wrong with me, and then i can fix it.
i'm going to stop now because it's going down the road of all those horrible whiney posts i used to write before i made my blog public. here is a nice song instead:

psycho

i just finished reading american psycho, a picture of dorian gray and watching mulholland drive. i think all of these things were perfect to encounter around the same period of time, they seem to intertwine somewhat and are all equally powerful and terrifying. i feel as if each of these things would have changed my life on their own, but together they are all the more depressing and disturbing, and now i just feel numb.


"... there is an idea of a patrick bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though i can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: i am simply not there. it is hard for me to make sense on any given level. myself is fabricated, an aberration. i am a noncontingent human being. my personality is sketchy and unformed, my heartlessness goes deep and is persistent. my conscience, my pity, my hopes disappeared a long time ago if they ever did exist. there are no more barriers to cross. all i have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem i have caused and my utter indifference toward it, i have now surpassed. i still, though, hold onto one single bleak truth: noone is safe, nothing is redeemed. yet i am blameless. each model of human behaviour must be assumed to have some validity. is evil something you are? or is it something you do?"
- from american psycho by bret easton ellis, probably the most shocking and traumatizing and amazing book i have ever read in my life.

l'enfer, c'est les autres

this is the most boring year of my life yet. all i do is lie at home watching the office and avoiding doing homework, i never go anywhere anymore and i am so sick of high school but it's dragging on forever. and i am utterly resigned to not doing that well at the end of the year, i have never been motivated to do well in my life and it's not going to start now because everything i do is just an endless pathetic learned-helplessness cycle

currently listening to:
don't look back in anger - oasis

back on the chain gang - the pretenders

silver soul - beach house

will you still love me tomorrow - the shirelles______________

ode to the pistols

in year 8, i was suddenly, inexplicably infatuated with the sex pistols. i had graduated on from pop-punk like blink 182 and green day, and downloaded a few of their songs, instantly falling in love. while my friends started listening to simple plan and something corporate, i blasted anarchy in the uk and the dead kennedy's i fought the law (and i won) every morning on the way to school.

something in the sex pistols' music, and punk music as a wider genre, moved me, as much as a privileged private schoolgirl could relate to a bunch of working class british yobs. something in johnny rotten's maniacal laugh was exciting and rebellious, in a time when i started skipping maths classes, ringing my eyes with black kohl every day and putting safety pins in every item of clothing i owned because it was ~so punk rock~. i got a white t-shirt and wrote "i wanna be anarchy" in black permanent marker over the front; i drew the anarchy symbol all over my pencilcase with white-out; i got an electric guitar and turned up the distortion as far as it would go.

at some point in my life - and i can't pinpoint where because i think it was a subtle change over a long period of time - i started being more sad than angry. i replaced the sex pistols with the smiths, and the clash with the cure. but there is still part of me that is bitter and angry at something intangible, that wants to tear up all my clothing and pin it back together again, that wants to start a band without caring how rubbish we would sound. and "no future" still rings a little too true.

____________________

letters to unnamed people

dear unnamed person,

i was sort of semi-convinced i am finally over you, but i still stalk your facebook more than is healthy. i hope you stay out of my life for just a little bit longer because i know the next time i interact with you in real life i will become hopelessly obsessed again.

yours truly, alex

dear unnamed person,

i'm flattered that you like me (at least i think you do), and i quite like you, but i don't know if i am that attracted to you after all. i don't know whether i want to feel secure for the first time in my life, but feel ambivalent about you, or whether to remain alone.

all the best, alex

dear unnamed person,

i may be mildly infatuated with you. why do you have to have a girlfriend, for fuck's sake?

yours, alex

dear unnamed person,

i love you, i really do. but sometimes little things annoy me, and i don't know what to do because i know i actually couldn't survive without you, but i can't survive without a bit of space either. i don't know why i feel this way all of a sudden.

regards, alex

dear unnamed person,

i think you're really cool and i know i don't have any clue how to make friends and i'm kind of a total loser, but i would like to be your friend, if that's okay.

sincerely, alex_

accurate

lost in space

“everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. the best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.” - daniel handler

"choking with dry tears and raging, raging, raging at the absolute indifference of nature and the world to the death of love, the death of hope and the death of beauty, i remember sitting on the end of my bed, collecting these pills and capsules together and wondering why, why when i felt i had so much to offer, so much love, such outpourings of love and energy to spend on the world, i was incapable of being offered love, giving it or summoning the energy with which i knew i could transform myself and everything around me." - stephen fry

"i'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. just like the cheshire cat, someday i will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. i am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. when you look at the picture again, i want to assure you, i will no longer be there. i will be erased from history, like a traitor in the soviet union. because with every day that goes by, i feel myself becoming more and more invisible." - elizabeth wurtzel