dumb things that i say

"i'm not a socialist, i love buying stuff"

"man, your house is, like, carb-fest"

"i am soooooo sober"

"i forgot how to do long division"

always

ready or not

i can't articulate my feelings about today. i had two separate, both fairly bleak discussions about my views on my life. and one of them was with someone i haven't spoken to properly in ages and it felt beautiful and just like old times, and made me a little sad that he will never be anything more than a friend ever again.

i want to change my life so that i don't feel quite so depressed about it all the time, but i don't know how. i'm not as bad as i used to be, but a lot of things still go wrong for me almost always these days. (and people always tell me that you get what you give, but i try so hard for things, and put in so much effort, and they never work out.)

oh and to 'a friend', i am almost certain i know who you are. and i'm sorry, i was feeling bitter and frustrated and disappointed with everyone. and listening to "why'd ya do it" by marianne faithfull.

i'm sorry my blog is so boring i will try and think of more things to put on it that isn't moodiness or music that i like.

wasted hours

i'm a sucker for nostalgia. i can't explain it or even express it coherently, but everywhere i have ever been and everything i have ever done, i look back on and miss intensely. places where i used to go on holiday, my old school/s, parties i got drunk and silly at, people i used to talk to. i miss my mum and dad working at the age. i miss playing the cello. i miss new york. i miss living in kiama. i don't know what it is, maybe i long for a simpler time - as if every passing second makes life more and more complicated. i can look to the future now, without feeling so scared, but i still look back all the time, and ache for everything i can never return to.

the past month, bulleted (word to your moms)

• $3 white wine, apple cider, vodka and cranberry, but now mainly $3 white wine because i can't afford anything else anymore
• on that note, getting down to my last $20
• "remember that time when alex got drunk and...... oh wait, alex is ALWAYS drunk!" - one of my friends. well i can't argue with that.
• jump around - house of pain
• the toff in town
• befriending the british bouncer at the toff in town
• three day eurovision-viewing bender
• too many packs of peter stuyvesants
• 4th chamber - gza/genius (feat ghostface killah, rza, killah priest)
• wearing ridiculous clothes everywhere ie this -

• never going to uni
• writing essays the night they are due
• sleeping on other people's floors
• being stared down by pedestrians when i walk to the tram stop the next morning in the above ridiculous clothes and wearing dark glasses
• backstage work for a wonderful play
• eyes be closed - washed out