Friday, June 5, 2009

sixteen, clumsy and shy

out of all of the types of people who i admire in the world, the ones i most want to be like are extroverts. i honestly can't see how they do it, letting go of their inhibitions and just doing whatever or talking to whomever they please. they make it seem so easy, when for people like me, the fear of reaching out to people is paralysing and almost impossible to overcome.

when people first meet me, they think i'm a bitch, and this opinion can be backed up by almost everyone that i am friends with now. when i try desperately hard, i can come off as halfway normal, but even then it is rare. the only thing i can think of that might give the awful impression that i do is simply being cold and detached - i just can't break out of my self-consciousness, and it makes me come off, apparently, as an "ice queen".

i would do anything to be able to change it, to be like all the charismatic and charming and engaging people that i hero-worship. i've heard plenty of times about people who go out into the world and suddenly lose their fear of initially interacting with others - i hope it will happen someday.

there is a wall between me and other people, and while they are all having fun, i'm sitting on the sidelines, too scared to move close to anyone, like a huge weight is anchoring me to the spot.


bobb said...

I'm a real mix of introverted and extroverted - it all depends on the activity and circumstances. Do you feel less shy when you are in small groups, or one on one, then when you are around a lot of people? You certainly are articulate and thoughtful in your blog. Maybe you should try to meet up with bloggers in your area who share similar interests - such a your interest in Star Trek. I know it's a cliche, but not trying as hard and just being yourself should help. Things will get better:).

Anonymous said...

Please do not compromise yourself to make others comfortable. But as you say, exposure to uncomfortable situations can aleviate some fear. You are not alone in your experience of being perceived as ice queen, while simultaneously craving a natural connection with others. Your sentiments are familiar to me. But enough of my pedantic ramblings. Your blog reads well. I hope you find your way to what it is you are looking for. And don't forget to write.