hello

five things you will find if you open my bag:

1. ipod (if nothing else. i am basically surgically attached)
2. wallet
3. iphone

4. cigarettes & lighter 

5. mints



five things in my bedroom:

1. pictures of everyone i love (edie, marianne, syd, brigitte etc.)
2. 
a pair of 1970s kirk and spock figurines
3. record player & records
4. various old cameras (most of them non-functional)
5. diaries ranging from when i was 7 or 8 to the present day

five things i want to do in my life:

1. learn to play the guitar
2. be photographed by terry richardson
3. be in an american apparel ad
4. figure out what my special talent is (there must be something i'm good at)
5. live in new york city

five things that make me very happy:

1. listening to music on long solitary walks
2. drunk texting/receiving drunk texts
3. reading passages of books which powerfully resonate with me
4. watching episodes of 30 rock and the inbetweeners with a cup of tea
5. feeling loved and accepted for who i am

five things i’m currently into:

1. a certain boy
2. illmatic by nas
3. messing around with virtual dj
4. white lacey items of clothing
5. pearl earrings i stole from my sister

five things on my to-do list: 

1. save some money for once
2. finish all the books i have piled up
3. write one of the three essays due in the next month
4. get my hair re-dyed (my regrowth is atrocious)
5. remove the pile of clothing from my bedroom floor

five things some people may or may not know about you:

1. i hate introducing one of my closest friends to other people because she is so nice and interesting that they end up liking her more than me
2. i used to pray to god every night when i was little, because i was afraid that my friends and family would get hurt or die if i didn’t
3. i think i might believe in god again and this concept terrifies me
4. sometimes i worry that i am a genuinely awful person, that i have no conscience and i don’t care about anyone but myself
5. when i was 13 i learned something about my dad that could break up our family, but i’ve never told my parents because i don’t want that to happen

currently listening to:

it ain't hard to tell - nas

electric relaxation - a tribe called quest

dance to the music - sly & the family stone

hello - martin solveig

first we take manhattan

oh yeah, that stuff that i said about being happy? ehhh not so much, now that i am sick AGAIN. just having so much fun. now i have conjunctivitis, and since i coughed up blood this morning, either a throat infection or lung cancer. it's pretty neato.

on the bright side, my splendour in the grass fundraising is going pretty well lately, i'm selling about half of my clothes and i've made almost $100 already. just need this conjunctivitis to heal up so i can go to work on wednesday and thursday, make another $200 and then i'm pretty much set (may need to be indebted to parents though, great...)

dawn

stoned texting, while relatively indecipherable - even more so, in my experience, than drunk texting - sometimes has good outcomes
like when it turns out the male of choice that you are texting is also stoned, and when he gets back from bluesfest he promises to share a bottle of wine with you soon. lovely

so just quietly, really quite content. and also i like to think all of that stupid stuff i wrote about yesterday was a big misunderstanding. maybe it was. in fact the only thing in the world that could possibly make me happier is if my ex-boyfriend disappeared from my life completely and utterly, just for a while, it still hurts a bit and i'd like to stabilise my emotions before i have to deal with that stuff again. yeah. that would be nice

wow none of that post had any structure or sense, it was just a good weird semi-cryptic rant because people i know in real life might read this. um so in conclusion, most things are ok

the angels forget to pray for us

“i can never read all the books i want; i can never be all the people i want and live all the lives i want. i can never train myself in all the skills i want. and why do i want? i want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. and i am horribly limited.” - sylvia plath

i feel so lonely, none of my friends ever invite me to things anymore and i don't know whether it's because i've been sick or because they don't like me now. i am so isolated and i don't know what i've done wrong, i wish they would just talk to me, i can't stand being ignored.

my light shines on

and so my body's backlash against too much drinking/smoking/partying, not enough sleep and being a vegetarian has commenced. woke up on sunday morning with a very nasty case of tonsillitis and since then i have been wandering the house looking consumptive and wallowing in my own suffering and misery. on the bright side, quitting smoking will be a lot easier now since at present i can't think about cigarettes without wanting to weep in pain.

(and so less than a month after i am legally able to buy cigarettes, i decide to quit smoking. what a joke)

(although i'm really not sure how i'm supposed to feel about quitting, because i won't be able to be anna karina/edie.... although even though i'm not a heavy smoker by any means i will certainly be a lot healthier for it)

but yeah in other news life is wonderful

currently listening to:

movin' on up - primal scream

quality control - jurassic 5

everyday people - sly and the family stone

jackin' for beats - ice cube

held the hand of satan

i deleted my tumblr the other day because i was bored of it and it ended up just being a followers-based thing which meant i never really posted what i wanted to anymore. and i don't feel that way about this blog for some reason. it's like a very heavily censored version of my diary, with pretty pictures and a lot less angst (believe it or not).

so right now all i am doing is sleeping, going out, eating, liking boys i can't have, blah blah. initially it was all so exciting but now i feel like i am slipping back into mundanity and this saddens me a little bit. but i suppose one thing that is really nice is to have friends. having people that really do like me and want to spend time with me, for the first time in the better part of four years.

"all changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - anatole france

currently listening to

true love will find you in the end - daniel johnston

transdermal celebration - ween
concrete schoolyard - jurassic 5
dance yrself clean - lcd soundsystem