taxi driver

this film changed my life. "loneliness has followed me my whole life. everywhere. in bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. there's no escape. i'm god's lonely man..."

almost 18

definitely not ready for this adulthood shit. i have already managed to lose one of my birthday presents, a beautiful art deco ring, somewhere in my room. yep, responsibility is my middle name. although i will enjoy being able to whip out my actual learner's permit when buying cigarettes/booze or entering licensed venues, it's going to be the biggest novelty ever for the first few days. life is weird

does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body?

"now i’ll never see him again, and maybe it’s a good thing. he walked out of my life last night for once and for all. i know with sickening certainty that it’s the end. there were just those two dates we had, and the time he came over with the boys, and tonight. yet i liked him too much -- way too much, and i ripped him out of my heart so it wouldn’t get to hurt me more than it did. oh, he’s magnetic, he’s charming; you could fall into his eyes. let’s face it: his sex appeal was unbearably strong. i wanted to know him -- the thoughts behind the handsome, confident, wise-cracking mask."- sylvia plath

i can resist everything except temptation

i
did a bad, bad thing last night
the bit that scares me is that a little part of me wants to do it again

love death

ok i know i say this about a lot of things but there are literally no words to describe how beautiful this is:

fainting spells

"but he dared not show himself, for what she wanted he could not give: his love was in the earth, shattered and still, dried flowers where eyes should be, and moss upon the lips, his love was faraway feeding on the rain, lilies frothing from its ruin. withdrawing, she went up the stairs, and joel, who listened to her footfalls overhead as she in her need of him searched the jungle of rooms, felt for himself ferocious contempt: what was his terror compared with miss wisteria's? he owned a room, he had a bed, any minute now he would run from here, go to them. but for miss wisteria, weeping because little boys must grow tall, there would always be this journey through dying rooms until some lonely day she found her hidden one, the smiler with the knife."
- truman capote, other voices, other rooms

if you want it

so i've been sifting through the past year or so of posts, fixing tags and stuff, because i'm bored. and in the last few months, a bunch of comments have popped up from anonymous posters saying nice things. alarmingly, although not surprisingly, a number of these seem to come from people who know/know of me in real life. reveal yourselves, kindly anons!

also here are some nice photos from a disposable camera i just got developed, it's a strange "fortune cookie camera" i bought from urban outfitters that prints one's fortune at the bottom of the photo. these are photos of me from a night which wound up being really quite awful and distressing, and the morning after. but at least the pictures came up nice.







currently listening to:
homecoming - the teenagers
i hate rock'n'roll - the jesus & mary chain
peter gunn vs. where's your head at - 2 many dj's
sometimes - my bloody valentine

criteria for boys that i like

because i'm really bored, and because i'm hopefully moving in on the aforementioned hipster tonight, this seems like a constructive thing to do

- attractive. and by this i mean, be attractive to me, rather than meet some kind of standardized criteria for attractiveness. i have the most erratic taste in guys ever and i may find people attractive who are by popular opinion, unattractive, and vice versa.
- intelligent. and well-read. if you are a james joyce fan i will inevitably begin worshipping you as some sort of intellectual demi-god.
- interested in me. unfortunately guys who meet this criteria are few and far between.
- good taste in music. i won't, nay, cannot love someone who listens to nickelback. sad but true. music takes up such a huge proportion of my life, i have an enormous emotional connection to it and i like to talk about it a lot, so if i want to discuss the finer points of the velvet underground's loaded and you are only interested in 3oh!3, it's probably not going to work out.
- open-minded. about smoking, drinking, drugs etc. i have no interest in boring sanctimonious people.
- tolerant of my social awkwardness. your friends will probably think i'm a bitch. most people do. just so you're prepared, i will be too intimidated to converse with them normally, and this may or may not improve over time.

i am deeply emotionally dependent on my relationships with others, so if you meet this criteria i will be whipped almost immediately and be utterly bereft and broken hearted when you inevitably get bored and leave. so uhh, get in line boys.

the valley of the shadow of death

the concept that most terrifies me is that one can never fall out of love - we will always feel that twinge of emotion sometimes, no matter how deep we bury it inside ourselves so that we don't have to think about it anymore. because right now all i think about is you, and every time i see you (which is almost every day) makes everything a little bit worse when you leave. i just want my life back. i have idealised you so much in my mind that you are no longer human, but a symbol of everything i could ever want.

i want you to notice when i'm not around

devastating

all the time we wasted, i'd only waste it again

i love when first impressions turn out to be wrong and people are actually lovely, when the most dubious fake ids in the world inexplicably work, when you see friends you haven't encountered in years, when people call you beautiful, when you feel a little bit hopeful, for the first time in what seems like forever.

february playlist
1. rill rill - sleigh bells
2. party and bullshit (ratatat remix) - notorious b.i.g.
3. gen-n-e-y - m.i.a.
4. roman's revenge (ft. lil' wayne) - nicki minaj
5. enter the ninja - die antwoord
6. coconut bible - yuck
7. block after block - matt & kim
8. not in love (ft. robert smith) - crystal castles
9. no fun vs. push it - 2 many djs
10. the suburbs (continued) - arcade fire

higher than the sun

things i have learned so far this year:
- people are actually really, genuinely nice outside in the real world (as opposed to school)
- nightclubs are not for me, they are too noisy to talk to/bond with people
- as a rule i tend to have the best nights with people i have never met before when i am blind drunk
- full-time retail work is incredibly soul-crushing (although i am piss weak when it comes to doing any form of hard work)
- my infamously awful fake id which says i am 20 years old and looks nothing like me genuinely works (except for that one guy at federation square 7-eleven who refuses to sell me cigarettes)
- a break-up is the most depressingly awful thing i have ever experienced in my life so far
- DO NOT say 'i love you too' unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure that they actually said 'i love you'
- the morning after pill is one of the most awkward items anyone could ever have the misfortune to need to purchase

recent developments:
- classes have started
- gay guys really like me (i am known in some circles as 'queen of the gays')
- i may have a bit of a crush on a certain pipe-smoking hipster with whom i attend melbourne uni, guess who xoxo