i'm a lot happier now. i feel secure with, and love, my friends - they are all wonderful and i hope i'll always be blessed enough to associate myself with them. i have let go of the past, finally, and while in some senses i look back with bitterness i know i am above all that now. i eat less junk food (although i can't attest to perfection). i have started running again, and the sense of freedom and perseverance and strength and accomplishment that comes with it has finally returned to me. i'm reading books again, and enjoying them. i still smoke, but we all have our vices and i get a lot of pleasure out of it for now. somebody loves me, unconditionally, and i love them the same. and it's not tinged with mediocrity or cynicism like most of the relationships around us: it is completely pure, maybe a little naive, but still grounded in determination to be together forever. the kind of love where we talked about marriage and growing old together after three months, stuff that sounds completely silly and in-the-moment and frivolous but was, and is, wholly believed by both of us. and we are both just deliriously happy together. my best friend told me, that she had never believed in love until us. anyway enough of that stuff
"those were vile people in both those cities, as is well known. the world was better off without them.
happiness has found me at last, i don't know how, i don't know what i did to deserve it. but in the past three months of my life i have heard things i never thought i would hear from another person ever. and i have passed the initial utter delirium of the process of falling in love and it's not the same but it still feels wonderful, safe. all i want is for everyone to be as happy as i feel now. i never would have thought i'd be loved, not in a million years.
"what did my fingers do before they held him?
what did my heart do, with its love?
i have never seen a thing so clear.
his lids are like the lilac-flower
and soft as a moth, his breath.
i shall not let go.
there is no guile or warp in him. may he keep so."
"and i guess you're proof that when you finally let go of the past, something better comes along."
so much has happened within the last three weeks or so... i really haven't been this happy in years. i'm so lucky to have the people in my life that i do.
Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's day,
All in the morning betime,
And I a maid at your window,
To be your Valentine.
Then up he rose and donn'd his clo'es
And dupp'd the chamber door,
Let in the maid, that out a maid
Never departed more.
By Gis and by Saint Charity,
Alack, and fie for shame!
Young men will do't if they come to't
By Cock, they are to blame.
Quoth she, 'Before you tumbled me,
You promis'd me to wed.'
'So would I 'a' done, by yonder sun,
An thou hadst not come to my bed.'
“it’s all like a dream. everything is ecstasy, inside. we just don’t know it because of our thinking-minds. but in our true blissful essence of mind is known that everything is alright forever and forever and forever. close your eyes, let your hands and nerve-ends drop, stop breathing for 3 seconds, listen to the silence inside the illusion of the world, and you will remember the lesson you forgot, which was taught in immense milky way soft cloud innumerable worlds long ago and not even at all. it is all one vast awakened thing. i call it the golden eternity. it is perfect. we were never really born, we will never really die. it has nothing to do with the imaginary idea of a personal self, other selves, many selves everywhere: self is only an idea, a mortal idea. that which passes into everything is one thing. it’s a dream already ended. there’s nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be glad about. i know this from staring at mountains months on end. they never show any expression, they are like empty space. do you think the emptiness of space will ever crumble away? mountains will crumble, but the emptiness of space, which is the one universal essence of mind, the vast awakenerhood, empty and awake, will never crumble away because it was never born.”
| — | jack kerouac |
i love you. and i've been listening to way too much patsy cline lately, never a good combination.
sorry to the anon for whom i answered those questions and then deleted them, i decided that it's probably not a good idea to air such deeply private matters on a such a public forum that some people i know can see. that two-odd weeks in which i had the link to this blog up on facebook, and then wisely decided to take it down have certainly made blogging that much more interesting...
1. my first best friend, since kindergarten i think. however while we sat together in class/i liked to braid her hair and stuff, i was a very antisocial child and i chose to wander around alone during lunchtime, making up stories instead of spending time with the other children. we drifted after i left melbourne for a year in year three. by the time we were in the same class again in year 6, we were completely different people. we both ended up moving to different schools and i haven't seen her in years.
2. she was my best friend when i moved to new south wales for a year. we used to bond over playing pokemon gold, and sometimes i would go to her house and we would play perfect dark on nintendo 64. however i lost a little respect for her when i found out she supported john howard (yes i had already been indoctrinated into my parents' socially liberal political agenda by the age of 7). then i moved back to melbourne at the end of the year. there was talk of her moving to melbourne later on as well, but she never did. she added me on facebook a while ago, it's funny seeing people you only knew as children all grown up, and i suppose she feels the same was about me.
3. i befriended her in year 5, she has such a warmth and frenetic energy that attracted me and she used to be a bit of a social butterfly. however over time she clung to me more and more strongly, and at the end of year 6 my parents asked the school to put us in different classes for year 7 so we could make different friends. we ended up hanging out in a big group with some of my friends the next year, and then i moved schools. we still remain close friends but now a struggles to make friends where i don't anymore, almost a role reversal of what we used to be. i see her quite often. she can still be a bit clingy but mostly i love to spend time with her.
4. i made friends with her at the start of year 11. by that stage i had lost all my friends from the previous two years, and we became known as a single entity, neither of us really had any other friends so we stuck together. we had so many wonderful times together that i look back upon fondly, but by the end of year 12 i was struggling for independence while she was struggling to keep us together. this year we are in different countries, and i started university while she can't until next year. she was very upset when i told her i wasn't taking a gap year. but i like the friends i have made this year, and i like being my own person for a change. i still love her a lot i guess. i'll see what happens when she gets back.
"i'm not a socialist, i love buying stuff"
i'm a sucker for nostalgia. i can't explain it or even express it coherently, but everywhere i have ever been and everything i have ever done, i look back on and miss intensely. places where i used to go on holiday, my old school/s, parties i got drunk and silly at, people i used to talk to. i miss my mum and dad working at the age. i miss playing the cello. i miss new york. i miss living in kiama. i don't know what it is, maybe i long for a simpler time - as if every passing second makes life more and more complicated. i can look to the future now, without feeling so scared, but i still look back all the time, and ache for everything i can never return to.
five things you will find if you open my bag:
1. ipod (if nothing else. i am basically surgically attached)
2. wallet
3. iphone
4. cigarettes & lighter
5. mints
five things in my bedroom:
1. pictures of everyone i love (edie, marianne, syd, brigitte etc.)
2.
a pair of 1970s kirk and spock figurines
3. record player & records
4. various old cameras (most of them non-functional)
5. diaries ranging from when i was 7 or 8 to the present day
five things i want to do in my life:
1. learn to play the guitar
2. be photographed by terry richardson
3. be in an american apparel ad
4. figure out what my special talent is (there must be something i'm good at)
5. live in new york city
five things that make me very happy:
1. listening to music on long solitary walks
2. drunk texting/receiving drunk texts
3. reading passages of books which powerfully resonate with me
4. watching episodes of 30 rock and the inbetweeners with a cup of tea
5. feeling loved and accepted for who i am
five things i’m currently into:
1. a certain boy
2. illmatic by nas
3. messing around with virtual dj
4. white lacey items of clothing
5. pearl earrings i stole from my sister
five things on my to-do list:
1. save some money for once
2. finish all the books i have piled up
3. write one of the three essays due in the next month
4. get my hair re-dyed (my regrowth is atrocious)
5. remove the pile of clothing from my bedroom floor
five things some people may or may not know about you:
1. i hate introducing one of my closest friends to other people because she is so nice and interesting that they end up liking her more than me
2. i used to pray to god every night when i was little, because i was afraid that my friends and family would get hurt or die if i didn’t
3. i think i might believe in god again and this concept terrifies me
4. sometimes i worry that i am a genuinely awful person, that i have no conscience and i don’t care about anyone but myself
5. when i was 13 i learned something about my dad that could break up our family, but i’ve never told my parents because i don’t want that to happen
oh yeah, that stuff that i said about being happy? ehhh not so much, now that i am sick AGAIN. just having so much fun. now i have conjunctivitis, and since i coughed up blood this morning, either a throat infection or lung cancer. it's pretty neato.
stoned texting, while relatively indecipherable - even more so, in my experience, than drunk texting - sometimes has good outcomes
like when it turns out the male of choice that you are texting is also stoned, and when he gets back from bluesfest he promises to share a bottle of wine with you soon. lovely
“i can never read all the books i want; i can never be all the people i want and live all the lives i want. i can never train myself in all the skills i want. and why do i want? i want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. and i am horribly limited.” - sylvia plath
i feel so lonely, none of my friends ever invite me to things anymore and i don't know whether it's because i've been sick or because they don't like me now. i am so isolated and i don't know what i've done wrong, i wish they would just talk to me, i can't stand being ignored.
and so my body's backlash against too much drinking/smoking/partying, not enough sleep and being a vegetarian has commenced. woke up on sunday morning with a very nasty case of tonsillitis and since then i have been wandering the house looking consumptive and wallowing in my own suffering and misery. on the bright side, quitting smoking will be a lot easier now since at present i can't think about cigarettes without wanting to weep in pain.
i deleted my tumblr the other day because i was bored of it and it ended up just being a followers-based thing which meant i never really posted what i wanted to anymore. and i don't feel that way about this blog for some reason. it's like a very heavily censored version of my diary, with pretty pictures and a lot less angst (believe it or not).
"all changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - anatole france
this film changed my life. "loneliness has followed me my whole life. everywhere. in bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. there's no escape. i'm god's lonely man..."
definitely not ready for this adulthood shit. i have already managed to lose one of my birthday presents, a beautiful art deco ring, somewhere in my room. yep, responsibility is my middle name. although i will enjoy being able to whip out my actual learner's permit when buying cigarettes/booze or entering licensed venues, it's going to be the biggest novelty ever for the first few days. life is weird 
"now i’ll never see him again, and maybe it’s a good thing. he walked out of my life last night for once and for all. i know with sickening certainty that it’s the end. there were just those two dates we had, and the time he came over with the boys, and tonight. yet i liked him too much -- way too much, and i ripped him out of my heart so it wouldn’t get to hurt me more than it did. oh, he’s magnetic, he’s charming; you could fall into his eyes. let’s face it: his sex appeal was unbearably strong. i wanted to know him -- the thoughts behind the handsome, confident, wise-cracking mask."- sylvia plath
i
did a bad, bad thing last night
the bit that scares me is that a little part of me wants to do it again
ok i know i say this about a lot of things but there are literally no words to describe how beautiful this is:
"but he dared not show himself, for what she wanted he could not give: his love was in the earth, shattered and still, dried flowers where eyes should be, and moss upon the lips, his love was faraway feeding on the rain, lilies frothing from its ruin. withdrawing, she went up the stairs, and joel, who listened to her footfalls overhead as she in her need of him searched the jungle of rooms, felt for himself ferocious contempt: what was his terror compared with miss wisteria's? he owned a room, he had a bed, any minute now he would run from here, go to them. but for miss wisteria, weeping because little boys must grow tall, there would always be this journey through dying rooms until some lonely day she found her hidden one, the smiler with the knife."
- truman capote, other voices, other rooms
so i've been sifting through the past year or so of posts, fixing tags and stuff, because i'm bored. and in the last few months, a bunch of comments have popped up from anonymous posters saying nice things. alarmingly, although not surprisingly, a number of these seem to come from people who know/know of me in real life. reveal yourselves, kindly anons!
also here are some nice photos from a disposable camera i just got developed, it's a strange "fortune cookie camera" i bought from urban outfitters that prints one's fortune at the bottom of the photo. these are photos of me from a night which wound up being really quite awful and distressing, and the morning after. but at least the pictures came up nice.
currently listening to:
homecoming - the teenagers
i hate rock'n'roll - the jesus & mary chain
peter gunn vs. where's your head at - 2 many dj's
sometimes - my bloody valentine
because i'm really bored, and because i'm hopefully moving in on the aforementioned hipster tonight, this seems like a constructive thing to do
- attractive. and by this i mean, be attractive to me, rather than meet some kind of standardized criteria for attractiveness. i have the most erratic taste in guys ever and i may find people attractive who are by popular opinion, unattractive, and vice versa.
- intelligent. and well-read. if you are a james joyce fan i will inevitably begin worshipping you as some sort of intellectual demi-god.
- interested in me. unfortunately guys who meet this criteria are few and far between.
- good taste in music. i won't, nay, cannot love someone who listens to nickelback. sad but true. music takes up such a huge proportion of my life, i have an enormous emotional connection to it and i like to talk about it a lot, so if i want to discuss the finer points of the velvet underground's loaded and you are only interested in 3oh!3, it's probably not going to work out.
- open-minded. about smoking, drinking, drugs etc. i have no interest in boring sanctimonious people.
- tolerant of my social awkwardness. your friends will probably think i'm a bitch. most people do. just so you're prepared, i will be too intimidated to converse with them normally, and this may or may not improve over time.
i am deeply emotionally dependent on my relationships with others, so if you meet this criteria i will be whipped almost immediately and be utterly bereft and broken hearted when you inevitably get bored and leave. so uhh, get in line boys.
the concept that most terrifies me is that one can never fall out of love - we will always feel that twinge of emotion sometimes, no matter how deep we bury it inside ourselves so that we don't have to think about it anymore. because right now all i think about is you, and every time i see you (which is almost every day) makes everything a little bit worse when you leave. i just want my life back. i have idealised you so much in my mind that you are no longer human, but a symbol of everything i could ever want.
i love when first impressions turn out to be wrong and people are actually lovely, when the most dubious fake ids in the world inexplicably work, when you see friends you haven't encountered in years, when people call you beautiful, when you feel a little bit hopeful, for the first time in what seems like forever.
february playlist
1. rill rill - sleigh bells
2. party and bullshit (ratatat remix) - notorious b.i.g.
3. gen-n-e-y - m.i.a.
4. roman's revenge (ft. lil' wayne) - nicki minaj
5. enter the ninja - die antwoord
6. coconut bible - yuck
7. block after block - matt & kim
8. not in love (ft. robert smith) - crystal castles
9. no fun vs. push it - 2 many djs
10. the suburbs (continued) - arcade fire
things i have learned so far this year:
- people are actually really, genuinely nice outside in the real world (as opposed to school)
- nightclubs are not for me, they are too noisy to talk to/bond with people
- as a rule i tend to have the best nights with people i have never met before when i am blind drunk
- full-time retail work is incredibly soul-crushing (although i am piss weak when it comes to doing any form of hard work)
- my infamously awful fake id which says i am 20 years old and looks nothing like me genuinely works (except for that one guy at federation square 7-eleven who refuses to sell me cigarettes)
- a break-up is the most depressingly awful thing i have ever experienced in my life so far
- DO NOT say 'i love you too' unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure that they actually said 'i love you'
- the morning after pill is one of the most awkward items anyone could ever have the misfortune to need to purchase
recent developments:
- classes have started
- gay guys really like me (i am known in some circles as 'queen of the gays')
- i may have a bit of a crush on a certain pipe-smoking hipster with whom i attend melbourne uni, guess who xoxo
a time of innocence, a time of confidences
happy valentines day for yesterday ♥♥
someone telling you that they don't love you any more is the worst feeling in the world
i consider it one of my greatest signs of trust to allow someone to see me without makeup. outside my immediate family there is only a handful of people who have. i don't know why but putting eyeliner on so frequently for the better part of three years has made it an indelible part of my sense of identity, and i just feel so vulnerable without it. so even though i am convinced i look awful when my face is bare, it still feels nice to completely remove my mask in front of you, or at least one of them.
you may not believe it
